life is a decision....

i wrote on the very last page of this journal today.

i was hoping it would take me to the end of december
so i could start a new year with a brand new book
but, i couldn’t make it stretch that far.
i need to write in it every day.

i started this journal in 2017.

part of me wants to burn it.

i have never felt that way about a journal before
but this one just holds so much hurt and sadness
and pieces of a broken smashed up heart.

but…
it also holds a fucking ton of progress.

i try not dwell on the past.
i am a big fan of “what’s done is done…move forward…even if it’s just baby steps”
some days, i’ll admit, that is easier to do than others….
but this little red book holds all my baby steps…
and all my backward slides, too.

but backward slides are to be expected.
in the front of the book, once upon a time, i had written
life is a decision.
and it really is.
every day i decide i am going to find at least
one thing that will make me
laugh really, really hard
and honestly, i meet that goal
every frigging day (usually at my own expense, but still…hahaha)

life is way too short to be sad…
there is ice cream to be eaten, books to be read, music to discover
and dirt roads to be explored…candy stores, gravel pits, road trips…
best friends, beaches, shooting stars, rainbow socks, happy meals…

i am grateful for what i had, we had a lot of really good years….
and two of the sweetest bestest kids i could ever imagine resulted from that…
i would have been lost without them…
and i am grateful that there has been no drama, no anger during the separation…
that had made it easier for sure…for all of us…
but now it’s ok to be excited about the possibilities…
what could the next big adventure be, peewee…
life is a decision.
will you turn right or left?
:)

i got this journal last year for christmas from someone special
and last night, i bought a new purple pen
cause…purple just makes me happy.
and i think we have established
i like to be happy.
:)

so bring on the new year….for once, i’m ready early.
heehee

pinpoints of light...{don't mind me...i'm feeling wordy}

this would have been
a perfect night
to drive out to the
middle of nowhere
somewhere
and
lay on your back
in a field
counting the stars…
creating secret stories of lost galaxies…
silent constellations
and space ships with little flickering lights…

i just took the dog
for a walk
and was tempted to lay in the middle of
my street
staring up at the sky
but contented myself
with laying
on the deck instead
in the dark of the streetlights
wearing dress pants and a
dirty plaid work jacket that belongs to my kid…
and wondered
if the night sky was like that
picture of the boat
at my friend’s dad’s house
that everyone could see but me…
no matter how much i
relaxed my eyes…
i was never relaxed enough.

but maybe
if i could relax enough on my back on the deck
and stare at the night sky long enough,
the lines would blur
and i would see beyond the sharp pinpricks
of light

a sliver of a star to put in my pocket for the darker days.
a shard of understanding, of truth…

and then i think…
maybe nobody else saw the boat either.

tuesday truths

i love fall.

i really do.
the brilliance of the trees,
the crunch under my feet
of leaves and twigs
snapping and crackling…
the smell of wood smoke in the air
and feeling like
after the go-go-go
panicked frenzy to enjoy
EVERY FRIGGING SECOND OF SUMMER
while it’s here,
now
i can start
to slow down….

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now
i start to give myself permission
to climb into bed
with a mountain
of fuzzy blankets,
some hot chocolate,
and a pile of books….

fall is movies and stories and blanket forts,
trail hikes, if i feel like it, and messy hair
(cause my hat will cover it anyway),
vanilla scented candles,
cinnamon apples, brown sugar on toast…
big thick fuzzy socks (but never in bed!)
and pajamas with hoods…

fall is cozy.

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i love summer.
summer is exciting and exhilarating
and on a deadline
and you can’t waste a second
cause if you blink,
it’s gone.

but fall…
fall is kinda like my mom.
Comforting and sweet and
always makes me feel better.

winter, on the other hand…well….
i kinda hate that guy.
Heh.

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grateful in a nutshell....

a random grateful list in which i try not to be too sappy or lame::

• family & friends that are always there for me…even when I seem to push people away

• my kids…i know they fall under family but really, they get a line of their own. There is literally nothing that makes me happier than these two humans. Sometimes it takes my breath away a little bit…how much I love them. I would be lost without them.

• a job that i love

• health

• home (even though it is acting like a temper tantrum-y 2 year old lately)

• books that provide me an escape from real life occasionally

• dirt roads

• microwave popcorn

• geese

• fall leaves

• hot chocolate

• polka dots

• people who make me laugh really hard (even if it is sometimes at my own expense)

• ice cream

• early morning texts/late night phone calls

• homemade (not by me) chocolate chip cookies

• turkey dinner (not made by me)

• new-to-me treadmill

• a working furnace

• naps

• that people are always so sweet & supportive about all of my little “interests” (ie cards; 50 before 50; blog; patreon; etc, etc, etc)

• lemon squares…well…lemon anything really….

• heated blankets

• good conversation & connections

• cold diet coke in a can

• music (that also provides an escape sometimes)

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Happy Thanksgiving…and I am not sure it has to be said
but I am seriously grateful for every person that stops by this
little space in the internetsphere to read my ramblings…so…yeah..you!! :)

sunday adventures...& a little bit of unexpected truth...

I generally don’t have a car on fridays anymore
so I have to take my adventure days
when I can get them…
this week, it happened to be on sunday.

I took a drive to Bonshaw
and did a little part of the trail there.
Fun fact…when I am on the trail with my camera,
I may be in there for an hour or more
but have only walked for 15 minutes.
Every detail catches me…
I stop for moss and mushrooms,
rotting tree trunks, bright colored leaves
and mud puddles.

Today was no exception.

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The truth is I have been struggling a little bit lately
in an up and down kind of way.
Some days, I am perfectly happy being by myself
(not that I am ever really “by myself”,
I have my amazing kids and family and friends)
but other days, I struggle a teeny tiny bit.

Which is what I love about getting out with my camera.
I can lose myself for hours
looking for angles and light and color and bokeh
and when it all comes together
it just makes me so happy….
like this photo below…I smiled the rest of way down the trail
because I knew I was going to love this one,
I knew I got my “one good shot”.

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and sometimes,
i think….
you have to lose yourself
a little bit in something
in order to find yourself.

When I think back to
where I was a year ago…
well….I don’t even like to think
about this time last year…
things were pretty dark and dreary and sad and scary
but that kind of helps put
my little “down days” into perspective.

It makes me realize how far I have come.

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Honestly…
this is not what I came here to write today
but it’s what came out…
so I am going to go with it
and this time next year,
I can come back again
& see how much farther I have gone.

Forward is forward…even the baby steps…
and if you are struggling with something right now,
go easy on yourself…and know you are not alone either…
:)

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