deep sunday thoughts...a tiny confession...and one bad word

I keep thinking I am going to get
to this page more…
and then I don’t.

I trip, I stumble,
I post 3 times in a row…
I don’t post for a month.

I write posts in my head
but they don’t make it to the keyboard….
they leak out of my brain
along with payments due
and grocery lists and
lyrics I thought I would always remember.

Age is a funny thing.

I never cared much about my age…
I always felt younger than what the numbers
on my license add up to…
but lately, I see changes I don’t like…
a flabby neck, weight that gathers quicker
and stays longer, deep lined creases
that go beyond smile lines.

And mostly….I am ok with that.
Mostly I am ok with me.

But some days, I feel an inkling of fear,
trailing me, tracking me…
whispering what if you are always alone….
or is that what you really want?

(and I don’t know the answer)

52 is starting to feel like
the awkwardness of 15 again.

I don’t know how to dress my age,
I don’t know how to be me anymore,
I don’t know what this me is supposed to look like.
I don’t know what she wants to look like
because she is fickle and undecided and
happy as can be and yet painfully lonely,
content and positive but scared as hell in the middle of the night….
some days she wants to move to the country,
get some power tools, dress only in overalls
and let her hair get as long and tangly as it wants
while she goes around with dirty bare feet
and paints everything purple
and polka dotted.

And some days, she wants to drive away from everything
and cover the rear view mirror with thick black paint
so she can never look back.

52 is a funny age.
Maybe even more so
when one is alone
and the decisions are
not driven by anyone else….

I am driving my own ship…
I chart the waters, I choose the direction…
I can push it forward,
or I can run it aground…

Either way….it’s all on me.

That’s both liberating…
and fucking terrifying.

Anyway, once more…not what I came here to write
but these are the words that came out
so I share them
just in case someone out there
might be able to relate.
*waving hello & yelling “we got this!” if you are in this boat too.

maybe none of us are alone

or maybe….we all are.
♥

I used to think...

that maybe i would always
be a little bit
sad on holidays,
even kind of made up holidays,
remembering how
things used to be…

but sometimes,
you surprise yourself…
and sometimes,
the universe plays along…

all weekend,
valentine’s day was
in the back of my mind
but i was determined
to make it a good one.

last month,
i ordered the “singles swag”
subscription box
but thought it might not be here
until the end of february
so i also splurged
on lots of pretty, pink things
just because…

and then i
accidentally
went to indigo
and winners
after showshoeing
with a friend in charlottetown
and bought more
cute stuff…
like this little robot
who quickly became
friends with
this little guy
who was pretty happy to
meet her…

aren’t they cute?!?

raspberry filled powder doughnuts
to share with the kids,
a plant with tiny pink buds
instead of flowers,
a pretty doughnut,
a visit to my parents,
lots of sappy movies
(16 candles, sweet home alabama,
walk the line, when a man loves a woman)
and then
this morning
at like 8 am
my single swag box came!!!!

if you want to see what
was in it, you can check it out
on my instagram, tiktok or FB…
it was well worth the $35.00

I hope you had a sweet and sugary
valentine’s day
whether you are happily attached
or flying solo!
♥♥♥♥♥

tuesday truths...pollyanna-positivity warning ahead...

in an effort to
look at the bright side
of the bubble,
i was thinking that
if more restrictions
HAVE to happen,
i guess january is
better than july.

(i also realize it’s easier
for me to say this
lightly
because i know that
i am not nearly affected as others…
my kids are older,
my work is not terribly affected,
my family are all on the island…
even if i can’t see them
right now
i have seen them recently…
and as of yet,
we have all been lucky.)

(the truth of what others
are facing or have faced
is not lost on me.)

but also in a fit of my usual
pollyanna-positivity
i made myself a list of what i
could do for the rest of january.

• yoga

• meditate

• go through my clothes & purge

• draw

• read books and books

• paint

• experiment with the art supplies i never even opened

• zoom call a friend or two

• chefs plate meals

• plan a bathroom reno

• find 2 screwdrivers and a hammer & make that damn bookshelf

• go for a solo hike

• go for a solo drive & ramble some country roads

• write a short story

• sort and purge photos

• finish atypical

• start yellowstone

• plan my garden

• read some poetry

• social media detox

• write a letter to someone

• color my hair something new

• take an online course

• focus only on positive things; avoid negativity

• vision board

and blog, of course.

so that’s the plan
for january
in the big orange house…
♥♥♥♥♥

a quiet kinda halloween-y day...

It’s been a quiet, windy and rainy Halloween Sunday.
I have spent the day decluttering
and tidying,
adding songs to my newly made fall playlist,
drinking chai tea
and stealing bits and pieces
of the halloween candy…
making lists and
plans for November…
that include
attempting to wear
real clothes
during the day
instead of my parade of pjs
and
maybe a 30 day yoga challenge.

October was a great month.
The weather was incredible….
but that meant I had a hard time staying home…
I didn’t want to miss a second of
the fall colors
and remaining daylight hours…
but today I settled back into
the idea of home…
of coziness and books and
maybe starting some new cards
and paintings…

Inktober also ended today….
I will be honest, I am a little sad to see it go.
I really enjoyed it this year,
especially focusing on little geek girl
every day…
I’m not sure what November will bring.
People have asked about
what will happen with the daily little geek girl doodles
but I’m uncertain…
and also toying with the idea of
writing group again
and maybe challenging myself that way…

I also have to do some hard core reading
if I want to reach my goal of 35 books this year…

Happy Halloween to you…
stay safe but EAT ALL THE CANDY.
:)

there was a time...

there was a time when i thought
i would never
be happy
again.

i want to say that i always knew
that i would be
ok
but even that
is not true…not fully true,
if i am 100 per cent perfectly, brutally and completely
fucking honest.

i can’t lie.
i had some very dark moments
back when my life felt like it
was starting to really crumble
around me,
a house of cards
slip-sliding away from me
and no matter how tightly
i held on,
it wasn’t tight enough.
things felt out of my control,
and i don’t like that feeling…
not at all.

i remember driving that white rental car
late one night
driving way too fast
on roads i didn’t know
in the dark
and every tree on the side of the road
looked like a reprieve,
like i could just veer hard to the right
and slam myself into not feeling
this way
anymore…
every oncoming set of lights
from a transfer truck
looked like an invitation,
an escape,
a solution.

i was scared.
petrified. terrified. sad. hurt. crushed.
laid bare.

I couldn’t do it that night
or any of the following nights
that i took that same drive.
the kids.
i couldn’t.

for a long time after that,
after i stopped taking that late night drive
i was better - on the outside - i was functional…
but on the inside
i was hollow.
empty.
a shell.

i was just going through the motions.

but this morning
i sat down to journal
and thought…
i am honestly truly so fucking happy
right now.
i am happy.
i am not pretending to be happy.
I am happy.

2.5 years later.

when they tell you time heals
and you feel like
throat punching them
because you are
in the thick of it and
”time heals”
feels like garbage
and a cliche
and useless and like
what you say
when you don’t know
what else to say…
but
it’s true.
or at least, it was for me.

(This is in no way a slight or blame on
anyone…marriages end everyday.
it’s a fact. even 20 year marriages.
life happens. we grow, we change, we move on…
and i am grateful EVERY DAY
for the 20 years we had…
i would not change a day
and i do not regret a moment of it ♥ )

but i do think about this
all the time
when i look at other people…
and think
i don’t know their story…
i think about it all the time
when i remember how
secretive i was…
i have never ever told anyone
about those nights in the
rental car…
and i don’t say it here for
drama or pity or whatever…
i can say it now because
i am so far past it.

i have been very lucky in my life…
i have a strong network of friends and family
that would have happily supported me
if i had let them in.
(but it’s hard to admit that you are broken…)

but it’s just that
we don’t always know
what others,
even those closest to us,
are going through.

and to be kind.

you never know
when that little bit of kindness
could be the tipping point
in the right direction.
(and if you are broken right now…
it’s ok to admit that you are broken…
it really is. It really is ok to not be ok.)

enough sappiness for one saturday.
the sun is shining,
my camera is calling me.

there are adventures to be had
and doughnuts to be eaten.
:)