i want to remember

i want to remember how, last night, unexpectedly, 18 came home early
from her boyfriend's house
and just hung out with us...
and how, even though there was no special occasion
no holiday
no big meal, no birthdays, no celebration...
it was just one of the best nights i have had
in a long, long time.

we talked about so many things
dr phil, Normandy, storm troopers,
whether cats have knees or elbows,
conspiracy theories, jack black,
trailer park boys and we
laughed...
a lot.

and then, even after 18 went to bed,
14 stayed on the couch with me
and didn't pull away,
even when I ran my hand through his messy hair.

i want to remember that this is all it needs to be.
it doesn't always need to be pinterest pretty
or scheduled in advance, no money needs to be spent,
your hair does not even have to be brushed...
leave the camera in it's case, video tape this moment in your mind...
just show up and listen...
let yourself sit and laugh for a little bit...
forget about the dishes, about the work waiting for you...
it will wait.
they won't.

i want to remember S coming over and whispering in my ear
"it's so nice to have them both home".

inspired {as always} by the amazing liz elayne....

This is getting kind of ridiculous...

She wished she could wear orange...., originally uploaded by gkgirl.

i cannot believe how long it has been since i have been here...

and that every post i write 

seems to start with the same sentiment.

but wow.

this is crazy.

anyhow...i came across this challenge

to post a photo every day

so i'm going to give it a shot...

{and already, i'm 4 days behind}

snippets of happiness::the sunday version

after feeling kind of down about myself
on friday
and finding it hard to pull myself together on Saturday
even knowing i had a wedding
to pull off
ahead of me,
eventually...i felt myself coming around.

the wedding went fantastic.
the lighting was amazing.
the couple was drop dead gorgeous.
the venue was great...and the beach spot
for the photos...unreal.
water hitting the rocks
a view of the dunes...
so happy with how that went.

today i woke up with a headache
but still things have gone ok...
a family photo session in the park
followed by actually using some of the
old furniture i bought earlier this summer
in our over-grown backyard.

walking the dog...

can of cold diet coke and nacho crunch its...
a little editing....
spaghetti supper at my mom's...
some giggling...
a forgotten favorite song on the drive home.

now wrapped up in a blanket for a little late night editing before bed
and i'm feeling better about my place in the world.
:)

blindsided

this is possibly
the longest
i have ever
been away
from here.

and i feel it.

i am wound too tight
i am swimming in my stress levels
and breathing in my
own battered self confidence.

today started with kind of a rotten morning
with the realization that my
self confidence is very, very easily shaken
and makes me wonder
why that is
and is it only in my abilities with the camera
that i feel that way
or is it hiding in other aspects of my life...
today's did revolve around the camera
but opened other questions for me...

part of me wants to stop doing weddings,
stop doing family photos,
stop doing any photos for money
and
just
go
back
to doing
it
for me
again.

back to when it was fun.

it used to be how i relaxed.

somewhere along the way,
that changed.

i need to really think about this...
what i do know is that today,
when i thought i was going to throw in the towel
and not take on any more weddings
besides what I am already committed to---
i felt a huge sigh of releif
and the weight of the world lifting off me.

time could be mine again.

photography could be fun again.

that warrants some serious consideration.

There are days like today....

When I feel like my pants
are a little too tight
and that is depressing
until I realize
they are about 3 sizes smaller
than what I have been wearing....

When you realize the afternoon
is not going to unfold
the way you wanted it to
because you have agreed to meet a client
after work
but the meeting
is going to be at your favorite coffee shop
so its all ok.

You still sit by yourself
at lunch
but today
you realize
you like it that way....