friday the 13th

friday june 13th, to be exact.

june 13 will always hold a special place in my heart
but when june 13 falls on a friday,
my heart makes this squelchy, squeaky kind of sigh...
a happy/sad sigh.


june 13 makes me think of
birthday parties and sleepovers and bikes with banana seats...
popcorn and tents in the backyard
and melty butter
and plenty of salt...
washed down with purple or green kool aid
poured from the beige Tupperware pitcher,
you know the one,
with the push button cover....
the same one we once tried to mix kool aid and vodka in
until we realized at the
very
last
second
that it was turpentine
in a tiny vodka bottle...
we had to throw away the jug in order to hide the evidence.

june 13 on a friday
makes me think of how the birthday girl
loved horror movies
(i myself hated them and was totally a chicken about them,
even though I was the older one...instead i would constantly
crack jokes to keep myself from crying...look i am going to
beat you with the stump of my bloody arm!)...
and what better way to celebrate your birthday than to
have a Friday the 13th movie marathon
on the new VCR,
the one that came with a wired remote control...

i think about summer days spent at union corner beach
climbing on the rocks
until we literally couldn't go any further,
the bottoms of our bare feet tough from never wearing shoes...
of swinging as high as we could on the metal swing set,
that was the best swing set ever.
my dad would always come by and say we were going too high.

purple rain and bon jovi videos,
livin' on a prayer...
i don't know why she swallowed a fly, i guess she'll...
the cult and she sells sanctuary...
secrets and cherry pepsi and sharing a set of headphones
in the backseat of a chevette
after we bought the new madonna tape in moncton...
papa don't preach....

how you always laughed so easy,
i thought i must have been the funniest girl in the world...
the time i made you laugh at mcdonalds,
remember...the night of the canada day fireworks
and we were talking to Richard Brooks...
and i made you laugh
and you choked on your pop
and threw up.

then you went in the bathroom and wouldn't come out
until i told you that the old lady at the next table was
yelling at Richard for making you throw up
which made you laugh
and so you came out and i put you in a hug/headlock
and we snuck out the side door
giggling at the perplexed look on Richard's face.

barbies in masking tape bathing suits,
pretending we were dentists and making my little brother
wear wet-toilet-paper braces...
little people mansions built in the nightstands by your bed...
the easter that it stormed and the power went out
and your family was storm-stayed at my house
and we each wore one of my rainbow striped roller skates
and skated back and forth from the bathroom
to my bedroom.

the first time i went on a date,
i made you come with me.


there are so many things that make me think of you.
in a happy/sad way.
we were going to buy fieros (red for you, purple for me)
and move to new york
and live across the street from each other...
you in your red house, me in my purple house.

i try not to think about the times that we argued,
the times that i was mean to you...
i try not to think about the night i knew i would never see you again.

happy birthday, rockin' robbie piper,
come and see me sometime...
i'll be watching for you.
xo

on the other side...

it's monday morning
and not only do i have the day off
but i am the only person at home.

i cannot remember the last time
i have been the only person home.

early morning yoga
a gray cloudy day
the heater pointed straight at my back
the pug snoring in his basket
while cowboy junkies play in the background...
lemon flavored ice water and
a new journal.


it's been a good morning.
and it's only 9:30.

i feel like we are finally
on the other side
of what has been a very long and hard winter.

i have been doing the "give your dreams wings" e course
and this morning i thought about
what are my dreams?
what do i want to accomplish?
and i narrowed it down to 7.


and then i thought about each of them in terms of
which ones are do-able right now to some extent,
which ones cause me to feel the most excited,
what kind of steps would i be able to break them down to.

and it really made me think...especially since my first one
was that i would like to have something published somewhere...
and when i really pictured what this looked like for me,
it had nothing to do with money at all.
i just want to write something that i am proud of,
that one person might say to me
"i really liked that."

and i realized that it is no longer the top item on my list.
which was surprising to me.

what is on the top of my list right now is to
take the photography business to the next level.
which is not only do-able
but necessary.
and i think it will make some of the other things fall in line for me.

and robots.
robots are still making me feel very excited.
:)


give your dreams wings....

May might have brought me snow
but it also brought me
longer daylight hours...
which i really, really needed
desperately, actually.
i have gotten more done
in the past two weeks
than it feels like i have all winter.
i am reading...and writing...
making plans and answering emails.
Getting the laundry done,
cleaning the house, walking the dog,
little bits of yoga
and laying on the deck in my pajamas
soaking up sunlight.
and i started an e-course!
it was free (which right now, it would have to be for me
to be able to take it) and it is being given by the
amazing andrea shroeder...
it is called "give your dreams wings"
and you should totally
go check it out...
right now.
i used some of my christmas gift cards
and bought a new journal...
i wasn't sure about it at first...
(i was looking for graph paper and spiral bound)
but i am enamoured.
i have fallen in love.
i might have to go buy another one
so that i am not tempted to hoard this one.

cyclones running through my head

i have been up since 6 am
on a saturday morning
(you weren't here)
(my feet were cold)
(i can't get warm by myself)...

the sun is shining
and i have done the dishes
and started the laundry
and opened the bills
that made me feel sick
and panicky
and ill.

i rollercoaster between emotions...
we can do this,
it will get better,
we've done it before...
oh my god.
how did this happen.
how do we get out of this hole.
where is the light
at the end of the tunnel...
we've been in worse spots
(have we really?)

and then i force myself to breathe slower.
this is not the end of the world.
what is the worst that could happen?
no one is sick.
we are all healthy and happy and
we laugh really hard at least once a day...

so the water in the basement may have made the
furnace sound a lot louder than it should.
so the bills are mounting.
the snow is also melting, too
and the pug is sleeping in a basket at my feet.
the kids have both gotten jobs
S is ready to take on new things for the summer,
weddings will be starting soon.

this will pass.
this will pass.
this will pass.

someday i will look back and think remember when.

saturday and it's snowing again

in my corner of the world::

a little bit of snow but calling for warm temperatures the rest of the week
so i'm ok with that.

i posted this status on facebook last night

remember when you were a kid and you would just lay on your bedroom floor and listen to your mixed tapes really loud and sing along even though you really couldn't sing very well (or..at all) but you lived in the country so no one could hear you but your family and they loved you anyway...and it would get dark outside and instead of turning a light on, you would just watch the equalizer on the ghettoblaster light up...that's what i feel like doing tonight.

and i was completely surprised by the response it got...
and even more so...
that 90% of the likes were from girls.
did boys not sing along with the radio?

my girl did a "like for TBH" on facebook...
if you have teens or pre-teens, you will know that this means
like the status and get a response that starts with "to be honest"...

to be honest, i was not expecting a tbh back from her.
to be honest, the tbh i did get back almost made me cry.

Tbh; you're a weird, quirky, muppet/sesame street/dr seuss/smurf loving woman. You've given me some pretty cool qualities; wicked sarcasm, being able to be a hard ass when I need to, strength, a cynical sense of humor, and mega creativity. You've also given me some not so rad ones; like that whole weird person magnet thing, and getting myself into totally weird and awkward situations, but that usually makes for a good story afterwards so I suppose that's okay.