i didn't mean to be gone for so long...
but christmas happened
and so did a bad cold
and then
my uncle died suddenly...

i was supposed to give a reading
today
and as i stood up
and read the first line
about the influence one can have on others
my throat closed over
and i literally
could not
speak.

i stood there
staring at the paper
and willing
the words
to come
out
knowing that if i looked
up into that crowd that is my family
and met my mother's eyes
i would not be able to go on...
i would dissolve.

so i stood
staring at the words
and physically
forcibly
tried to force them
from my throat.

eventually
they came unstuck
and although i wavered
and floundered a bit
i made it to the end.

i have never had that happen before.

my big brash uncle
full of teasing and wheezy laughter...
full of family history and stories
and memories of how it was back then...
driving by to check on my garden,
calling me with tips to keep the birds away
from my new little seeds,
trading secrets
and
plans.

and to see my mom...
so sad.
so
very
sad.

and yet
part of me
still
does not believe...
does not
want
to believe.

and so it goes.
and so it will always go.