there were times today when I thought....

that maybe…
this…
is enough….
that maybe
this
is all i need….

a walk in the park
on christmas eve,
my boots crunching in the snow,
the sun peeking through frosty trees…
ice forming on the pond,
my breath in the air.

a video call with old friends…
a little voice on the doorstep
yelling merry christmas as my brother and
his family pop by to say hello…
sarah mclachlan christmas songs on repeat…
21 and his friend fixed my brakes last night…
the presents are bought…
plans are made for who will go where when tomorrow...
sweet texts to say someone is thinking of you..
making the cashier laugh when picking up
last minute things…

and i catch myself thinking
maybe
this
is enough…

i am full of happy.

i hope that this
christmas eve
finds you
full of happy, too.
i know it’s a hard one…
a different one…
a challenge, for sure.

but i am letting go of what
i think should be, of what once was,
of what it used to be…
and accepting what is.

Happy Christmas Eve! ♥

sunday, sunday...

where have i been?

i have been asking myself that same question.
during summer,
i usually let things slide
over here in the land of
geekiness
but this year,
it seemed to slide right into fall.

when that happens,
i try not to panic.
i think maybe it’s just my brains way
of saying to take a rest
and let yourself be inspired instead,
a gentle reminder to
fill your well - it’s getting empty.

i did take a lot more photos
this summer & fall then i have
in a long time
so that was a nice change.

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i also finally went to a book club that
i have been a part of for a long time…
and the book we are doing is the Artist’s Way
which made me very happy.

i have done the book before but
it was years ago and on my own.
this is a fun, different way to do it…
i like being held accountable to some degree
and it’s been interesting to get other views on it
and ideas plus i love the thought of making
connections with other people
outside your own circle…
i kinda think
that’s where the synchronicity seeds can start being planted.

happy sunday! :)

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half a century...&...well...this is one where i ramble...but...with excitement & purpose...kinda :)

the honest truth
is
i don’t really plan on
aging gracefully….
ever.

i am going down
with a fight.

i will not be contained
or constrained by ideas of
what “women my age”
should say or
do or
listen to
or wear.
(and small slightly sad side note, these ideas often seem
to be enforced and monitored
by other women…which blows my mind…
but that’s a whole other post, hahaha)

well…i say….
eff that.

i plan to deepen my smile lines
by laughing as much as possible
and accenting my silver hair
with shocking pops of purple
or maybe even pink, if i want…
or maybe, i’ll just let it go totally gray….
the only limit is what will make
me happy…cause….

all i want
in life
is to be happy…
there are always going to be bills,
sickness, sadness, stress…
you can’t avoid those things
but i am
choosing
not to let them dictate
my second half of
the century.

i am the author of that story.

and all i really want is
adventure and laughter,
self awareness,
giggles and good food,
time spent with friends
and family,
time to create and explore,
try new things (except food…haha…let’s not get crazy)
and fucking embrace. my. life.

i want to be excited by ideas
and peoples and places…
every day….even in the mundane….

i want to live my life like a friday adventure
with the music loud
and the windows rolled down
and my hair blowing in my eyes…
and to sometimes throw the map away
and just follow wherever
the road goes.

age is a number.
it’s not a box. or a law. or a rule.
i am not upset at being 50.
i am excited.
i am aware of but not ashamed of my
slower metabolism, my wrinkles,
my slightly sagging neck, my weird
always-showing-gray roots hair…
but
i am healthy. i have amazing friends and family.
i live on an island that i never get tired exploring.
i love my job, my silly little 2009 civic,
my falling apart at the seams orange house….
i love my life.

i am happy. :)
i am happy being me…whatever version of me
that is today…tomorrow…or years from now…

life really is short…live it. love it.
and let go of the fear
of what other people think…
chances are
what they think has more to do
with them,
than with you….
oh!!! and make sure to eat the ice cream
before it melts!
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

“Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional.”
WALT DISNEY

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things i think i forgot i knew....

i was on my own
pretty much all weekend…

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i think
somewhere
along the way
i started thinking
that i was alone
maybe too much,
that being alone
this much
was a bad thing,
a failing,
a problem to be solved,
something
to be kind of
embarrassed about…
a void to be filled
with distraction
and conversations
and attention.

but doing that
is not making me
happy.

this weekend,
i worked on the course,
took naps,
cleaned the house,
watered the garden,
ate fresh cucumber & tomato & raspberries…
read a book,
hugged the cat,
made supper for the kids,
laid in the grass & watched the clouds,
laid on the beach and
listened to seagulls and waves,
ate tiny doughnuts
and baby cupcakes,
tried not to look at my phone very much,
listened to new music,
scribbled in a journal,
painted a tiny watercolor,
chased the sunset
down dirt roads….

and i think i forgot
that
i
make me happy.

i make myself happy.

i forgot that i kinda like
being on my own…

and…i’m good at it.

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(and this is not to say
that i don’t fully enjoy
and appreciate the time
that i spend with my family
and friends…i really, really do.
just somewhere
along the way,
i lost my way…
and felt that i was missing
something…
but i realize now
that something
can’t be forced.
if it’s gonna happen, it will.
but for now…
there’s no rush.)

:)

Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn on sunsets and makes night air smell better.     

Henry Rollins

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friday i'm in love....(a bit of a weird one)

i struggled with writing
friday i’m in love today.

i’m in a slump,
a bit of a black hole
of work and school and laundry
and work and school and bills
and lists of things to be done
and lists of lists so that i
don’t lose track of my lists….

i am not getting out as much…
not because i can’t
but i think because i have to think too hard
about everything….
is this place open, do i need a mask,
are there going to be restrictions, arrows, judge-y people
just waiting for you to make a mistake
and then…
i end up just staying home.

but today, I’m going to force myself
to go out (and no,
not just because i need diet coke, but…
i do need diet coke…heehee)
but because
the only way forward
is to make a step in that direction.

but in keeping with friday i’m in love
here is a quick & dirty list
(noooo. not that kinda dirty. gawd….)

• sitting on the deck with a friend while her boy plays ball down the street

• mr freezies….usually 5 at a time…and every color is my favorite
  while i am eating it…heehee

• a text from a friend promising an ice cream date

• my study bunny app

• tomatoes are growing & i have little teeny tiny cucumbers starting

• 10 minute dance breaks throughout the day

happy friday!
Right now, I am packing up my camera, cell phone, bug spray,
dairy bar crawl list, a blanket & a book and
making that step forward. :)