once again...i remain undecided...

sigh.

so i have found out that one of the children
i look after may be going somewhere else
around the middle of september
which will leave me with one child to look after.

i love this child like he was my own...
i have been providing care for him for about 2 years now...
but i can't live on 100 dollars a week.

realistically
i know that i could advertise to look after more children
but the stage we are at with the house
i don't know if it would work out.
the stairs are plywood really and completely open
the floor is unfinished
the kitchen is unfinished
the bathroom is unfinished
we occassionally still have staging attached to the house
and we still have bags of construction waste packed behind
the barn...
sigh
does this sound like the type of environment you would
commit your one year old to?
me neither.

sigh.
so then i checked into going back to school
and found out that there is a good possibility that i can
for sept of 2006
but now
what do i take?
human services
and i could be a TA?
dental assistant...
good money but putting my hand in other people's mouth?
LPN...
shift work? not bad money? demand?
medical secretary...
i always wanted to be a secretary
(goes back to my whole i-love-school-supplies-and-office-stationary-fetish)
but money? demand?
sigh.

what the hell am i going to be when i grow up????
and i thought i grew up in 2003 when i finished my ECCE course....
argh.
fuckin'fuck.

kermit the frog here with a muppet newsflash....

it appears that our local convenience store
has hired an insane woman
in order to cut down on the threat of people
robbing the store with a syringe...

(this is just speculation, of course, but whatever)

my first trip into the store, she was bubbly and happy
and full of "hi, how are you tonight?"s
and when i politely responded the obligatory "fine, how are you?"
i got a suddenly cranky snarky "my feet ache, i'm sweating and tired
and want to go home"
heh
heh
ok then...

so there was a line of people ahead of me
and a man was going to pay for his bottle of water with a 50...
annoying i know but not against the law as far as i have heard...
so here is the conversation:
cashier: i can't cash a 50
man: oh?
cashier: i can't, i'm not allowed..is that all you got?
man: yes
cashier: well, i'm not allowed to cash it (very snarky)
i just cashed one and i don't have enough cash
in my till to give you change. is that all you got?

(is it just me, or are there little fault lines in her story?)
man: yes...thats all i have
cashier: (as she is punching in 50.00 on register and counting out change)
well, i can't cash it, i don't have the money in my till...i'm not
supposed to cash them, i just cashed one, 20, 40, 50...theres your
change...just remember next time, we're not allowed to cash 50's
and we don't do it....

um...ok?
if you are going to lie, have a good story first
i worked in retail...i know you lie...i lied
"yes, your book is on order" (when really we forgot)
"i have the order right here in my hand" (when really we couldn't find any
thing that remotely looked like an order done for you and when we ask
if we can verify your name and number, thats why)
"no, i'm sorry, that book is on backorder" (again, your book somehow
slipped thru the "lost-special-order-black-hole")
but
to be fair
we also had people that THOUGHT (for dead certain fucking sure)
that they HAD placed an order with us
when in REALITY (unfortunately, it is hard to bring some people
to that state of mind)
they had only inquired about the book and had NOT placed an order
or
better yet
had ordered it at another bookstore but would swear on a stack of bibles
that they ordered it from our store
and that we were just incompetent
(which we sometimes were, but damn, were we good liars....)

today you turn ten...

you are now in the double digits...
you are now a tween...

i am now no longer the mother of a nine year old...
i am the mother of a tween...

your first birthday
we had them write "happy birthday, onionhead"
on your cake
because you had cradle cap
and your head was always "peeling"...

now you call yourself "e-girl"
and you have abandoned your previous love of all that was pink
(when you were two i taught you to say "i don't like pink"
but you embraced pink with both chubby little arms
along with flowery dresses and glitter lipstick)
now you like red and black
and punk
and jack black
and red hot chili peppers
and twisted sister
and skulls and crossbones...

you are confident and at ease,
mature
and sarcastic-in-a-subtly-biting-way...
you can take it or leave it...
you aren't pushy or bossy
but you don't let anyone walk all over you either...
you love to read
especially archie comics...
you have been drawing your own "pin-ups" and "gag-bags"

you came to me today and said
that you didn't feel any different?
i said to come here, that we needed to check something...
i sat you on my knee
with the sad realization that it has been
a long time
since you have sat on my knee
and said "there. you still fit"
you smiled.
i asked you if you remembered when we used to say that,
when i used to reassure you that you would always be able
to fit on my knee
and you reassured me
that you remembered...

i thought about the time
i was putting you to bed
and you started crying at four
because you didn't want to grow up
and get married
and move out...
that you wanted to live with us forever...
and i assured you that you could
and that your husband could too if he wanted to...
and i wondered if your ten year old head still thought
the same thing
or if you were beginning to get that
"when i get out of here...." mindset at all...

i read little papers and notes you leave laying around
sometimes..i know i shouldn't but
i can't help myself
and no matter how angry you are with me
i have yet to find something bad written about me...
instead i find little sad or angry faces...

i can't beleive its been ten years today
that i was in the hospital having you...
ten years since i was that anxious, confident, nervous, mature
twenty four year old
with a boyfriend
and no money
and back to living at my parents
having a baby...
i knew then that this was the right thing to do
and i was right
even though many people tried to convince me of otherwise...
i looked at you once and thought
what if i had done what my boss at the time suggested
and had an abortion
i feel sick just thinking about it...
no onionhead...
no.
i did the right thing.

so...
all in all...
happy birthday onionhead
you were and are one of the best things
to ever happen to me...

virulent.

so.

we had a computer virus of some kind or another.
i really have no idea.
but we had to reformat the computer because of it
and that is why i have not been my usual posting-twice-a-day-cause-
i'm-starving-for-adult-stimulation-kinda-gal
heh heh

but we are now back on track
so let the posting begin...
except...
i have nothing to say

potato pan fries...

last night i made my kids
potato pan fries
which are simply potatoes cut into slices
and then
fried
(and no, i didn't boil them in water to any of you
who read my previous post about thinking that
was how you deepfried something...)
and i felt that i was passing something down,
handing them a crispy memory on a plate...

my dad came from a family with 12 kids
there wasn't alot of money
and things were tough...
potatoes were cheap
and easily-found-enough-to-be-free
they ate potatoes...
alot.
one way that they ate them was to have potato pan fries
and because there were so many kids
they would grease the top of the old woodstove
and cook them right on that,
no frying pan was big enough to make enough for 12 kids...

when i was a kid, my mom would go to bingo
and my dad would stay home and have a couple of beers
and babysit
(hey...they also didn't use carseats or seatbelts...just laid the baby on the backseat)
as soon as she left
we would beg my dad to make panfries
and he would and as he did, he would tell us the stories
of his mom making them panfries
as i told my kids the stories of my dad making us panfries
last night...

which is nothing compared to the story
of how my dad made popcorn...