monday morning...

first of all..i wanted to say thank you to everyone
and anyone who sent me such warm and kind and helpful
comments on my last post....you gave me much support
and much to ponder and think about and consider...
it meant alot to me.

i used the morning pages over that week to ask myself
some serious questions and to see what would "come out"
and to my surprise...i made a realization that i hadn't really
thought of before...
i had always connected my childhood to my bitter indifference
towards religion and faith but what i suddenly realized is that
the connection did not involve "God" in any way. I was
bitter about circumstances and judgements and adult
behaviors and unfair expectations...God really had nothing
to do with any of that...

i felt lighter after writing that.

on another unrelated note, my husband finished the upper
shelving for our new computer desks...i LOVE them...
and found some cute little storage bins on sale for next
to nothing, so i grabbed them for my shelf...

sorry the pictures are so dark...bad lighting the last couple of
days...and it doesn't help that my same husband who made
such beautiful shelves also felt the need to hang a skirt
of mine up in the window as a curtain so he could play
soldier of fortune without sunlight shining on his screen.
heh.

we're styling.

shooting straight from the hip...

I considered taking my time and writing this out beforehand
so that I could be sure that I would get my intended feelings
and emotions across. Then I changed my mind and decided
to write it as it comes to me...to let it come uninhibited and
unchecked. To let it be as real as it can.

I was late doing my chapter in artist's way. I had totally
forgotten about it on the weekend as I had a visit from
the unexpected cleaning frenzy mood. This week has
pretty much sucked. I am worried about money.
We are waiting for my husband's employment insurance
to start up. A parent of a child I look after had bad
news concerning her employment, which, in turn
affects my employment. The oil company sent us
a letter stating that they will not deliver more oil
until we pay what we currently owe, which, obviously,
at this point, we cannot. My job leaves me feeling
lacking, to say the very least.

Tonight I sat down to read Artists Way and it is
all about money and God. Two frustrating and
elusive subjects for me.

I truly want to beleive in "do what you want
and the money will follow"...but what if you don't
know what it is you want to do? I know what
I don't want to be doing. Is it my path in life
though to keep working through this monotonous
sometimes painful process of elimination? Do
I have to keep trying things in order to realize
thats not for me? How long could this take?
How long can I go on like this? I talked about
this with my (past) instructors a couple of weeks
ago and they said maybe this is me...maybe
this is who i am...a dabbler, a changeling, a
try-this-for-awhile-kinda-girl. I don't know.
I guess I could try it for awhile to see how it fits.

My second issue is God. How long can I go without
deciding what I beleive? How long can I get away
with ambivalence and "set" pat answers...I
beleive but I don't beleive in organized religion
kind of answers. AW asks if you grew up with
issues surrounding religion, is it possible you have
a "toxic god"? And how would a nontoxic god
view your creativity? These questions both hit
home for me and reverberated within me.

I don't know what I beleive. I look inside
but all that I see is empty. I remember being
at a wedding at a beautiful church and all I
could think of at the time was of somehow
accosting the priest and asking him how????
how do you get that faith? where does it
come from? what does it feel like? is it tangible?
is it concrete? why don't i?

and when i try to feel it..anything...something...
all i get phoniness and fakiness and cynicism from
within. Is that a version of my inner critic? My
inner cynic?

I just don't know. I've got morals. I've got virtues.
I have beleifs and expectations and standards.
I believe in treating others as you would like to be treated.
Is that going to be enough? Do I need more than that?

On a sidenote, I wonder if it was somehow synchronicity
that caused me to be three days late reading this chapter
so that I could be reading it on the very day that
money seems to be my biggest concern.

Money and God.
Slippery subjects.

i didn't forget....

blue dog tagged me
with an AW meme and
i didn't forget...
i just needed the time and space to think about it
first....
so,
with no further ado...
here it is:

four wishes, dreams and desires?
1. good health, happiness and adventure for my family
2. i wish that i could find that "thing" that i want to do...
that elusive "thing" that would be my career but
not suck the life out of me as my current career does
3. access to simple things that i never want to take for granted;
interesting and satisfying conversations, good books, cold
diet coke, internet access, tickle fights on the couch...that
kind of thing.
4. ummmm....a hundred more wishes???? heehee

four imaginary lives?
1. author of children's books
2. owner of cool and whimsical candy store that would
miraculously stay open whether or not we made any
money
3. photographer of children and/or weddings
4. perpetual student

four things i should change?
1. how i look after myself...i should eat better, exercise more
and drink less diet coke!
2. downplaying what i can do
3. moaning about how i hate my job and DO something about
it instead
4. procrastination

four people i admire?
1. as lame as it sounds, my husband...he is just so damned
capable...build a shelf, renovate a house, do the plumbing,
wire the stove, fix the computer, fix the car, deal with
people, be a great father, and still remember all the
little details of things i say or like...he knows me unlike
anyone else i have ever known...
2. margaret atwood...she writes the kind of books i would
love to write...i always relate to her...i always find myself
in her words.
3. my husband's cousin hailey...she is an amazing artist.
4. mary engelbreit...works in art and magazines...sigh

four things i like about the artists way?
1. i like how it is set up into weeks and it seems very "do-able"
2. i like the quotes on the side of the pages.
3. i like the introspection.
4. i actually do like the morning pages.

four things i still hope to get out of the artists way?
1. a tidal wave of creativity
2. more self confidence in myself in this area of my life
3. less second-guessing myself
4. connections to community of like-minded people

i won't tag because i don't know who has and who hasn't
but if you haven't,
why don'tcha?
heehee.
and thanks to blue dog for the tag.

shoot...

i lost.

pick me! pick me!

this morning
in a fit of inspiration
i entered a contest on my local cbc radio station
in which i had to share our "little nicknames" for one another
in time for valentines day...
it was to win flowers, chocolates and books...
i want to win.

so with that in mind,
this is not only the letter i sent in
but also what was just read in full on the radio
(much to my children's chagrin, teehee)

Good moming,

I sent an email through your website, but then heard this address being announced
so thought I should make sure I get the right one.

A little history may be good to tell beforehand.
My husband and i are both confirmed computer fanatics.
I would give up my telephone and tv before i would let go of my internet connection.
My husband is the same.

Because of this "shared interest" and the fact that we each have our own
computers set up side-by-side...we have earned these sweet nicknames:
I answer to geekgirl, geek and my favorite, "my l'il geekgirl".
My husband is undeniably OGG...which stands for online gaming geek...

we are what we are.

You asked about names for our children? We have those as well...
my daughter, when born, had a bad case of cradle cap earning her the moniker
of "onionhead" because her head was always peeling.
My son has always had a rather large head in comparison to his body
and was so energetic that he sucked up all my creative energy and therefore
was rewarded with only "bighead" as a name...which he will still answer to at six.

Signed sincerely,
Geekgirl
:)

i so want those books.
ps...what are your nicknames?