unexpected sweetness

my father's almost boyish grin
and obvious pride
when he said "my grandchild"
after someone enquired about my daughter...

finding a birthday card
to me on my 23rd birthday
from my parents
that said
we think you are still as cute now
as you were when you were this little
(as the baby on the front of the card)
in my mother's writing...
we are not typically sappy people..
well..
i am
but i usually go to great lengths to hide it

my husband getting home from work early and unexpected
and knowing i had a headache
from taking one look at me
and offering to watch the kids while i took a hot whirlpool-like bath

the bear grip hug that my now-82-year-old-weight-lifting granny
gave me at her birthday party last night

finding a ten page letter from one of my best friends
that she had written me while she was in university
berating subtly and not-so-subtly
my nineteen year old choice to be engaged
i'm sure if i looked hard enough i would find similar letters
rejoicing in our inevitable breakup

well...make me feel guilty...holy

so this morning one of my moms comes to drop off a child that i look after
and that i have been looking after since he was at least a year old
he is close to three now

she said when she took him home last night
and was putting him to bed
he started saying
"eeen...a tiss"
and his mom said
"i am not going to (my house) for a kiss"
and he cried
and fussed
and whimpered
and said "eeen...a tiss"
so she said
"you blow her a kiss"
and so he kissed his hand, blew on it
said "eeeen...a tiss"
and then rolled over and went to sleep

how the hell did i think working in call center
could be more
rewarding
than that?

update on uncertainty

well...
to add to my confusion
i recklessly sent in a resume
to a call center

and they just called me

and i have an interview tomorrow

which i am probably going to cancel

cause i don't think i can go thru with this

fuck.

should i stay or should i go????cue the music

sigh.

here is my dilemma...

i don't know what i want to be when i grow up.

i'm 35, well, i will be 35 in sept although i always start saying i'm a year older
as soon as my birthday comes...don't ask, i don't know why?
anyhow, thats totally off topic.

so i always thought that if i could just get my early childhood education diploma
i would be happy doing that...
well
i have it
and i'm not so happy anymore.
i thought i do provide childcare from my home
and that would eliminate need for trusting anyone else with my own children
well
i have done that for the past 2 years
and my youngest will be starting school in september
so now what...
do i stay or do i go?

i could work at a daycare
but there are no daycares in my town that i would really want to work at
i don't really enjoy the institutional idea of daycare anyway
(heh heh i know ironic but what can i say)
people used to ask me what daycare my own children went to
while i was working or taking my course
and i had to bite back
the look of sheer shock and revulsion
"my children in daycare????"
heh...
we always had someone come in to look after them
which also has its drawbacks as we found out
but not until i was done of my course and working from home
and then my youngest who was a late talker
began talking
about the childcare provider we had for him
and how she used to tell him to shut up....
anyhow...i am not going to talk about this because
i get too upset.

so.
what was i saying?

oh yeah...what do i do? we bought this house
and its huge really
but there is no "seperate" space for childcare...
i can do childcare here but its not with the same expectations that i have for doing it...
oh christ
i don't know
i go back and forth on this daily...
when things are going smooth i love it
when its hot and the kids are cranky and parents are saying things
that could be taken in various ways
(she looks awfully hot)
well do you mean that i shouldn't have them outside cause last week the innuendo
was that i WASN'T taking them outside enough
and not getting paid
and christ.
but
then that brings me back to childcare for my own children
unless i can get a job that falls between 9 and 3
and pays well
and is within walking distance
cause did i mention
i am a thirty five year old
without a drivers license?
hmmmm
i thought not.

sorry really for the all-over-the-mappedness of this post
but
thats kind of how i feel right now...
sigh.

uh..yeah...i think you missed the point...

dear kraft canada people who make
kraft dinner which my kids all like
and its quick and easy and cheap
and whom i generally don't have a problem with...

when i sent you an email the other day
to complain
politely
about the microwave directions NOT being on the box
and having to LOOK UP ON THE INTERNET for the directions
what i was complaining about was the idiocy and irritation
of HAVING TO LOOK ON THE INTERNET FOR THE DIRECTIONS
when they have been on the side of the box for so long now...
so long really, that i know i should know them
but that
is beside my point....

my point is
put the effing directions on the box and don't assume i have internet
and don't assume i have time to look on the internet
and don't say well just cook it on the stove then
cause that would be yet another assumption
(and i currently don't have a stove..so there you go)

so...sending me the directions by email
was so
not
what i was looking for...
what i really wanted was confirmation
that i
am right
and you
are wrong.

so...thanks for a great product
but never assume we know how to make it
some of us out here have tried to boil french fries
cause
thats how we thought you deep fried them
have a nice day.