Creativity Bootcamp Day 2

{i didn't post anything for day 1 yet because
i'm actually still working on it...}

Today's work involved a journal prompt
talking about what do i percieve
an artist
to be?
and do i see myself as one?
and why...or {as the case may be} why not...

i love how she talks about how Webster's
definition of an artist is
"one who creates objects of beauty".
{note there is nothing about by whose standards}...

i felt a small bit of release when i read those words.
and then she went on to give her ideas on it...
a yearning to create
{hey...i have that!}
a wish to produce work that reflects life the way you see it
{hey...i have that, too!}

so this morning i journalled using this as my prompt
and it was good...i found out a lot about myself in the process...
like the fact that as soon as i pictured myself
writing the words "i am an artist"
in my journal, i felt a strong surge of resistance...
a shocked feeling of "you can't write that"
{not even here, not even in my own private journal?
what about on my blog?} to which i felt a much
strong pull of no. you cannot write that.
not on your blog.

so.
it seems as though i have work to do in this area.
but i have some ideas and some plans and a positive mindset,
so half the battle is won.

and if you haven't checked this out yet, you totally should.
i know it is almost done but i'm just starting now and
you could too!

monday morning happiness list

~getting such great responses to my "realization" post...
that really helps to get that positive feedback and to not feel
alone in my ups and downs.

~getting out with the camera again...it has been too long!

~finding this very exciting creativity bootcamp...even though i
am a week behind, i am going to play along from the beginning.
this girl is brilliant...there were things that she wrote about fostering
creativity and the creative cycle that made me feel like she was
talking directly to me....you should definitely check her out!

~feeling a surge of energy coming on...being excited by ideas
and plans and making notes and charging forward. this is good.

~seeing words of mine on a sweet friends blog...made me feel all
warm and gushy inside...and the comments that were left...the
feeling of being "gotten"....it's a good feeling....

happy monday!

stream of conciousness and realizations...

i have never been a sad person.
never down in the dumps for long,
never depressed,
always easy going and looking for the silver lining.

but lately.

lately
i don't know what is wrong with me.

i'm down.
i'm lethargic.
i'm sad.
i'm blue.
i'm empty.
i'm doubting myself.

and today
i forced myself to get up off the couch
and read a little of
writing down the bones
which inspired me to pick up a pen
and in doing so,
i think i may have come to some realizations.

i think the photography business
impacted me much more than i ever realized.
i think that, while i enjoyed doing it last summer,
and while i loved the attention my photos were getting,
i also got scared.

i'm not good with expectations, with judgements,
with deadlines and guidelines and restrictions.
it makes me shut down.
it makes me not want to do it anymore.

and to be honest, with my new job, i really don't have time
to do it anymore like i was...
which doesn't mean i don't want to do it anymore,
i just want to cut back which i thought would make me
happy because it would mean that i could pick and choose
what i wanted to do. i could charge what i want...or nothing
if i want. i could let go and just do it for me without the restraints
of "doing it for a living".

but what sucker punched me
is this strong permeating feeling of
failure
that i am feeling.
of not being good enough.
of not making it.
{even though it was my choice to slow down.}
but i feel guilt, shame, embarrassed
and i have not picked up my camera in months.

this is what i need to come to terms with.
this has been MY choice. i didn't fail.
i CHOSE this route, this way, this path.
i chose it.
i have to let go of whatever bad feelings about this
that have been dragging me down
because they
are
sucking
the life
out of me.

and secondly.
i stopped writing here. i stopped writing period.
i stopped the morning pages. i stopped scribbling.
i stopped reading blogs because everything i read
made me feel inadequate and reiterated that i was not
able to do it all.
but i realize...i need to write.
and i need to write here.
and i need feedback from people who may have some sense
of what i am talking about, i need to be able to spew and vent
and release without censoring my words for fear that
those that "know" me will think i am losing my mind.

i don't need someone to fix me,
but i do need somewhere to drop the pretenses,
to let down the safety guards
and open the floodgates...
and i need to find my way back to where i was...
when everything was fun
and possible
and bright and ideas made me happy.

photopoetrthursday...

what can i say
you crossed my mind
with the greatest of ease.
you own the place
come and go as you please.
you are doubt in myself,
you are insecurity.

and i let you in
without a pass,
without a card,
without a word of restraint.

and you cripple me.

climbing the stairs

last night
i dreamt of climbing
never ending flights of stairs
people ahead of me
people behind
not sure where i am going
but ok with the fact that
everyone seems to be going to the
same place
until the people behind me
disappeared
and i could feel my anxiety rising
wondering where they went...
what did they know
that i did not.