bitter-sweet-ness

is the excitement and anticipation
of the fact that someone has
finally
offered to take your kids for
not just one
but two nights...
a two night sleepover
with their aunt whom you totally trust
so you know you can hand
them over willingly
with the promises of "be good"
and "you know you aren't allowed to go anywhere
without an adult...you can't walk to the park
with just your cousin"
and "be good"
and "i love you"
and kisses on the cheek's...

and then off they go.

and suddenly
the house seems deafeningly
silent
even though there are still four children in it
but those
are not
my
four...
not my "six" and my "ten"...
those voices not their voices...
that laughter is not their laughter...

and in the pit of my stomach
i feel an ache
and a sadness
and a loneliness
that i cannot describe
accurately.

no one ever told me
that
it was going to be
like this
forever...

doin' the happy dance...

the mailman came today
and at first, i thought it was just my book order
(which was fairly exciting as well)
but you cannot even imagine my
delight
when i realized it was not my book order
but a package from liz elayne
a package
FOR ME...

i know this picture is dark
as all my pictures always are...
but this is what it looked like
still wrapped in adorable green and white polka dotted tissue paper
and tied with purple ribbons
(only my favorite color!)
heehee

this is the card and the coolest cds...
i can't wait to give them a spin
the cases were adorable

and the paper...
oh, the delicious cuteness of the paper
some of it textured
some it sewn..
ack.

jumbo crayons
and
coloring books
for me...
for me...
i cannot wait...
this is the perfect thing for me to do
while the kids are occupied
but could meltdown in any moment,
i can leave it without losing where i am
and yet, still feel as if i am doing something creative...

a close up of one of the coloring books...
i just adore that frog,
and the monkey..
how cute is that...
i was thinking i might even try my hand
at embroidery and
these would be cool patterns to try to do...

liz elayne,
i cannot tell you how much you made my thursday!
when the kids were screaming, crying,
fighting, whining, picking their nose, sticking their fingers
in each other eyes, and generally trying to drive me
those few last miles to "round the bend",
all i had to do was look over
and see that package sitting there...
and it made it all
ok.

thanks again...
i hope you enjoy your cd as much
as i enjoyed mine
:)

more downs than ups...

well.
i am done
of the baby blanket
that i have been slaving
over for the last month, at least.

and i have to say
i'm a little disappointed.
it looks kind of, well, sort of
crooked to me
and its a hell of a lot smaller
than i thought it was going to be.
in hindsight,
(damn that hindsight)
i should have kept going...
should have gotten another ball
and kept on knitting...
but...
hindsight
being
hindsight...

it is what it is
and i will know the next time.

i had a hard time getting any pictures
because of the dark dreary day
(edit: i got a little bit of a better one today...)

other downs instead of ups?
no school because of impending freezing rain storm
which has yet to happen...normally, a no school day
would be great
but not when it means you are adding 3 extra kids
to the mix...

the mailman came with a package,
but it wasn't for me.

the ups guy had a package,
for the people next door.

i'm waiting for books to come from
doubleday...crafting books...i'm so excited...
i
hate
waiting.

please...don't judge me...heehee

i saw this on knit and purl girl's blog
and thought it was toooooo funny....
heehee...

Just for fun

check the ones you have done.....

(x) snuck out of the house
(x) gotten lost in your city
(x) saw a shooting star
( ) been to any other countries besides the united states
( ) had a serious surgery
(x) gone out in public in your pajamas
(x) kissed a stranger
(x) hugged a stranger
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) been arrested not really arrested, just told not to stand in the back
of the izuzu pick-up truck and shoot the mega water gun
at people...i was young (and embarrassed, heehee) oh...and they took my
water gun away... :)
(x) done drugs
(x) had alcohol
(x) laughed and had milk/coke come out of your nose
( ) pushed all the buttons on an elevator i don't go in elevators, ever...i'm claustrophobic...
( ) kissed in an elevator heh...again with the claustrophobic, heehee
( ) swore at your parents
( ) kicked a guy where it hurts.
(x) been to a casino sort of, i got to the lobby but they wouldn't let me or my husband in without id...i was 33 at the time...and with my parents...hahaha
( ) been skydiving
( ) broken a bone
(x) been high
( ) skinny-dipped
( ) flashed someone
( ) saw a therapist
( ) done the splits
( ) played spin the bottle
(x) gotten stitches got hit in the eye with a pop bottle when i was about 5 or 6....
( ) drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour blech. i hate milk.
(x) bitten someone i won't go into the steamy details on that one..haha
( ) been to Niagara Falls
( ) gotten the chicken pox
( ) been to Japan
(x) ridden in a taxi
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted pack of gum..when i was 8 or 9...cause me much anxiety-ridden bellyaches after.
( ) been fired
( ) stole something from your job
( ) gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend only in the kindest of ways
( ) had a crush on a teacher
( ) celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans
( ) been to Europe
( ) slept with a co-worker
(x) been married
( ) gotten divorced
(x) been pregnant
( ) saw someone die
( ) been to Africa
(x) Driven over 400 miles in one day
(x) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane thats a funny and embarrassing story allll on its own
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar more times than i would care to admit
(x) Purposely set a part of myself on fire just my pantleg...in a bar...damn pyromaniac tendencies...
( ) Eaten Sushi
(x) Been snowboarding
( ) Met someone in person from the internet
(x ) Been 'moshing' at a 'rock' show
( ) Been to a moto cross show
( ) lost a child (miscarried)
(x) gone to college
(x) graduated from college
(x) taken painkillers
(x) love someone or miss someone right now

sigh...i'm such a freak.

never know what they are going to say...
done by ten and left as background on my computer

and i know that i am
really...
or at least i should know,
by now.

i grew up being constantly told
in elementary school
that i was
weird...
nobody could/would give me
a definitive reason
as to why...
but i was
weird
regardless.

i was kind of an outcast
by choice...
i never really tried to hang out with anyone.
i had a best friend at home
that was younger than me
and really, i guess, i felt that was all i needed.

however,
it did scare me that people thought i was weird
especially when i didn't know what the behaviour was
that triggered that reaction...
i read alot...i cried alot...other than that,
i was fairly quiet.

later on,
by high school,
i began to realize
that...you know what?
its ok to be weird.
its ok to be different.
its cool to be me.
and that people liked me for it.

anyhow,
the point of this entry was not really
about that...
its more about the way i read blogs.
i don't know if anyone else does this,
but i'm so damn methodical
that i have to follow a certain routine
with the blogs every day.

i read them in the order they are
in my links..i post religiously at certain ones...
and then, if i have time,
i pick the one that i am currently "working on"
and study it...i read all the archives,
look at all the pictures,
check out all the links,
and then finally i check out all the other
blogs that are blogrolled on that site
and bookmark the ones that look
interesting to me...

is that odd?
is that compulsive?
heh..
is it weird?