not that anyone
knows
how to do this…
how to say goodbye cleanly
and precisely.
there is no
clean and precise
happening here.
there is
up and down
high and low
in and out
over and under…
there is messy
and out of sorts.
there are spells
of manic haphazard planning
I will do this!
I will go here!
I will make this!
followed by endless
heavy eyed under the cover naps.
i don’t know
how to not talk or think
about him.
this is the strange part
of this journey i think…
the stark sharp jagged broken bits of sadness
are jumbled up with
the soft warm and fuzzy memories
and the bouncy bright colored plans
are mingled with
red hot sizzling bouts of
irritation and annoyance
when little things chafe your skin
in an unexpected way.
and you feel like a
kaleidoscope….
except you are having
trouble finding the pattern,
seeing the pretty in it…
right now…
it’s all just rumbling
around in there,
churning out whatever it wants
at any given moment.
so you come here
and word vomit onto the page
like a purge,
a release….
a momentary reprieve.
the truth is
i don’t know how to do this.
but this is what i do.
i type.
i drink tea with lemon.
i watch the droplets of water
hold onto the branches
and reflect the upside down world to me
in a way that makes sense.
and i wait.
because I know this will not pass
but it will ease.
I will always talk about him every day.
I will always think about him every day.
I won’t cry every day.
And most days, I will laugh.
Because
isn’t that the point?
of this strange and inexplicable life…
to live and laugh and love
and if that makes me a cliche,
eff it. I’ll take it. ♥
so no.
i don’t know how to do this.
who does?
there is no right
there is no wrong
there is only through.
and allowing yourself (and others)
grace.
it will be ok.
and it’s ok
to have days
that are not ok.
ok?
