saturday sorta sad thoughts...

Today is my dad’s birthday.
He would have been 80 today.

Every time there is a milestone,
I go into it thinking I’m ok, it’s ok,
everything is ok…
and then it surprisingly
tackles me and takes me down for the count.

I feel like maybe
there is a lesson to be learned
in this.
That maybe I shouldn’t be trying to
fight it
and just lean into those moments
and let them happen…
cause
the truth is
they are gonna happen anyway,
whether I say it’s ok or not.

Once again,
this was not what I came here to write.
But this is what came out of the
keyboard…

I was going to write about
how I bit my tongue so hard
it bled for a long time
and I have had to (painfully)
take tylenol in order to
deal with how much it hurt.

But now you know both.
:)

I partly wonder if I subconsciously
bit my tongue that hard
to distract myself from the
pain in my heart.

thinking out loud... {caution. bad words. don't tell my mom}

it’s been 3 weeks…
a little over 3 weeks even…
but time feels irrelevant and finicky…
it feels like yesterday
and also forever ago
since I seen you last,
heard you laugh,
made you say
"oh, you’re a strange bird, you”
or heard you yell
love ya!
as i am leaving.

it’s like time works in a vacuum
in a blender
in layers of near and far
and the stark reality of
forever-forever-like-REALLY-fucking-forever
sinks in…

there are good days
and bad days….but
i know that is to be expected….
and that, my friends, that’s the kicker…
you KNOW all the things
that are to be expected
because, like the planner you are,
you read the books and
watched the youtube videos on
grief and healing and loss and
even anticipatory grief
but the truth is

you still don’t expect it.
you are still not ready.
acceptance? fuck that. I accept nothing.
(or so the tantrumy kid in my heart keeps yelling and stomping about)

my point is there are up days
and down days, days when you push yourself out of bed
cause you think dad wouldn’t stay in bed…
and days when you stay in bed
cause dad would say that’s ok…as long as you don’t do it every day.

and you worry that you are going
to drive everyone crazy because, obviously,
you process things in type and photos and words and doodles…
i mean, you have a BLOG for gawd sake…
haha. who even has one of these anymore
much less has had one for EIGHTEEN YEARS.

anyway. i digress. as per usual.

i have been thinking of ways to move
through this with some semblance of sanity…
and the truth is my dad LOVED life.
if you know him, you know….he LOVED life.
creativity. resourcefulness. imagination. humor.
hard work. his wife. his family. his friends. exploring. being outside.

so i am making lists (cause…that’s what i do) of how to move though this.
things like:

• journaling

• reading (fiction for escape but also books on loss - it does help me)

• drawing/painting - get back to the little blue desk

• crochet/knit/macrame etc

• maybe get out with the BIG camera again. (this one gives me butterflies in my belly)

• snowshoes

• go to sauna & hot tub weekly

• try to write/illustrate a little story book just for me

• start working on some of the projects I have put on the back burner

• maybe join a gym…but do something active regardless

• and also…plan some big trips of some sort. NFLD has been on my list. Dad & I talked about that a lot. Maybe next year, that becomes a real goal.

• to keep exploring and going on adventures…every time I would see him he would say “so what beach today?” or “no beach today?” or “I thought you would be at the beach today”. ♥

literally every moment
is a fresh start…
it’s ok to break down…
and it’s also ok to move forward…
and those two actions
may work in parallel, in tandem, in conjunction
with each other…just let it. just live it.
live life big. notice the little moments.
it’s going to be ok. (not the same, never the same…
but it will be ok again.)

the one solace i take in all of this
is that he knows that i loved him hard
with all my heart.

and that i always will.

it's been a while since....

i have felt like doing
a friday i’m in love post.

i hadn’t realized
exactly
how
much the roller coaster
of an illness in your family,
in your dad,
who is the stability and rock
in your foundation,
can shake you.

some days
it feels like my foundation
is crumbling
and i am scrambling
in a panic
with mortar and glue,
hammer and nails,
duct tape and hope
to hold it all together…

and some days…
it sticks.
it holds.
and i feel like the breath
i have been holding
hard and rigid in my chest
can release.
my heart
tightly wound and all tied up in a knot
can expand.
my feet back on somewhat solid ground

this is one of those days.
a good day.
a series of good days
after a series of
not so good days
but we won’t focus on those.

so it’s a friday i’m in love kinda day.

♥ 28 (i know i could call them by their real names now but….this is funner) and I watched the crowded room on apple TV (which is an annoying set up, just saying) and it was SO GOOD! I kind of wish I had known it was a book first but still….so good!

♥ oh. this. i loved everything about this.

♥ my new to me egg chair that, yes, went into my living room instead of on my deck which will lead to my next new love….

♥ i have fallen into the “cozy girl” side of tiktok
and i have got to say….i love it. it might bankrupt me…
but i love it. Right now, I am all about candles, low lighting,
blankets, comfort foods (like the homemade tomato soup
i just made), big shlumpy socks (yes, I made that word up),
simmer pots, pillows and pillows and pillows. i am even making
a “cozy girl” playlist. oh….and this simple egg on toast in
the air fryer is making me sooooo happy.

i hope you
are having a
happy, cozy friday….
the sun is shining
and i have a big surprise
to pick up later….
it feels like a damn good day.
♥♥♥♥♥

boxing day bliss ♥

I hope you had the
merriest of
Christmases ♥

Over here, in the big orange house,
we ate lots of candy cane peanut butter balls,
opened gifts, teased each other a lot,
played “would you rather”
and a rousing game of scattergories
at my parents
with no discernible winner
but a lot of laughter and yelling…

countless cartoons and
christmas specials
were watched…

many mugs of
hot chocolate were made…
and I got this new grinchy mug from my girl
and a new grinchy soft blanket
from Santa…

someone got a new headband and wore it every chance possible even though
it usually caused a headache…heh.

meat pies were made and eaten…
and someone made a meat pie person
with striking similarities!!

I hope you had a great Christmas…
despite the restrictions and regulations and rules…
hopefully this is our last Christmas
trying to make the best of things…
and next Christmas really IS the best of things…

I am ready for 2022.

I love the idea of new beginnings
and fresh starts and blank slates…
big plans and ideas churning about
over here….

Merry, merry Christmas to your and yours…♥♥♥
happy happy holiday from our house of
chaos and confusion to yours.

that time i actually left the island...for another island...

for years
i have been saying
i am going to go back
to cabot trail.

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when we were kids
cabot trail was the family vacation
for many years…
4 kids (sometimes more)
2 adults (sometimes more)
jammed in the back of a van
with no windows
and no seatbelts
(sounds more like an abduction, i know
but i like to flair on the side of the dramatic…heehee).

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this year, i did it
with the help of my brother and his sweet girlfriend
who let me tag along
with two of the teenage kids
and it was so much fun…
(plus i had my own window AND a seatbelt!)

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we had to do a pretty quick trip
but it was so fall and pretty and
was also a great time to spend some concentrated
time with family.

i can’t wait to go again.

(also…one more thing off my 50-in-50 list!)

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