5 days

i have the next 5 whole days ahead of me
all mine
free and clear
5 sweet days in a row...
and i am so looking forward to it...

other things i am loving right now
right here
in this moment, this second, this space...

the fact that 15 sat in the backseat of my car
with her friend
and when suicical tendencies came on
15's friend said..."your mom is not going to like this song"
and 15 said
"are you kidding me?  this is my mom's cd!  i wouldn't even
know about suicidal tendencies if mom hadn't shown me..."

heehee...for that moment, i felt cool.

reflection inflection detection connection...

i am who i am
and i am ok with that...
i am vanilla scented candles and
extra strength tylenol.
i am cold pepsi poured in a muted green
diet coke mug made of heavy, thick glass.
i am friendly
but not social.
i am open to new ideas
but i hate small talk.
i am a worth adversary
but i am also a turtle...
a hermit when it comes to conflict.
i need time to think, to reason, to decide what to say and how to say it.
i am made up of many parts,
of shards of shiny things...
bits and baubles, paper and string.
i am a glass container of words and images,
filtered through my eyes
tasted on my skin
felt in the heat of my hands...
of my heart.
i am onion skin
{thin and easily hurt} and
elephant skin
{tough and resiliant and i never forget to hold a grudge}.
i am silence.
i am nervous energy.
i am withdrawl
and addiction.

i am vague
like the tiny wisps
of smoke
that fade away
from a
struck
match.

how is it...

that it has been 20 years
since i have been in
high school
and yet,
it still manages
to break my heart.

i hate seeing her sad,
i hate seeing her sad,
i hate seeing her sad.

sunshine moments on a sunday...

• went out for drinks and munchies on friday night...sat on the upper deck, overlooking the water while sailboats cruised by and music played in the background...laughed a lot and felt reconnected and young again...
• our annual summer parade was held on saturday in spite of the rain...11 came with me, 15 stayed home...we met up with my brother and his wife and kids and it was so much fun...i forget how much i like to be with people with the same sense of humor...we all had a good laugh as the float with jet plane on it {but missing a little forethought...and measuring} came down the street and everyone had to duck or run to get out of the way...
• anticiaption of finally being able to read this book...i cannot wait...{and the trailer for the movie looks good, too}...and have this one as well...
• an extra day tacked on to this weekend...in anticipation of sunshine and getting the house clean today...leaving tomorrow open to so many possibilities...beach, walks, photos, long drive, ice cream, meeting a friend for coffee, sleeping in, starting the coveted books, journal writing...sigh.  the anticipation is almost as enjoyable as the day itself.

existence

i am trying to come to the page more often,
i'm feeling like all the other chaos and upset and anxiety and stress
in the past 8 months or more
has stifled me has been choking me has been holding me back
and now
that i see the pressure starting to lift,
the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel,
i feel energized and full of words and plans and goals and  spit and fire
and so i am going to try to come here first thing
every morning before my 45 minute trek to work
and just write happenstance,
just unload...expel...release...

i have missed this feeling.