silent sunday mornings

i have come to the conclusion
that sleeping in
on the weekend
gives me a headache.

so
here i am
sunday morning
and the sky is still dark and gray
the house sleeps
while the cat
pitter pats beside me
curious and quiet.

my head is filled with
chocolate brown boots and legwarmers over skinny jeans,
red orange and yellow leaves,
wishing i had a french vanilla cappucino,
listening to the nature station
and thinking about liz elayne's words
regarding
creating space
and looking for ways to be present in one's own life....
and they resonate with me
this desire to be present,
to notice, to breathe, to accept...
to
slow
down.

i think i will make it a priority this week.

a boy turns 12...

but he will argue that he is actually 13
and that is totally his mother's fault...
i have a habit of automatically saying
the next year
if you ask how old i am...

so right now i would say i'm 42
because...
i will be 42...
next september.

i kind of did the same thing with the kids
and now i have 12 completely messed up
arguing that he is actually 13
{which, i guess by my twisted theory, he actually would be...}
anyhow...

my boy turned 12 on saturday

hard for me to fathom...
he has a girlfriend named grace
and more cat scatches than i could count...
big brown eyes and a messy head of hair
always laughing and always talking
still always looking to his older sister for approval
the sweetest boy there will ever be.

happy birthday, 12...
i love you to pieces.

happy thanksgiving...

grateful.

my husband and kids...happy healthy funny strong smart sweet one of a kind...
my job
my house, even in it's state of constant renovation and overgrown lawn
my camera...even though when i get to a wedding, i'm almost a little embarrassed to see
that so many people have the same camera {or a much more expensive one} and i have to
take a breath and remember why i'm there...
my little hyundai accent...good on gas and easy to park
internet connections {both literally and also the connections it allows me to make...}
my health
family that i love
a great place to live...nature is only a step away in any direction
the support that my little photography business has seen over the past couple of years

i know there is so much more
but i just wanted to jump on here for a moment
and make a quick list
before i head to the couch with a movie
in my hand and a cold glass of diet coke in the other
to spend the evening with my husband and kids
after an afternoon of turkey and pie
and lot of laughing with the rest of the family.

happy thanksgiving!!
:O)

musings

sunday night
and i sit in the dim light of the computer screen
and wonder
what brings me here today...
why today
instead of yesterday
or the day before
or tomorrow even.

but today.

i went to writers workshop this morning
and left feeling
well
not as sure of myself anymore.
i left feeling vulnerable
and raw and irritable and
well...
a little broken inside.

i'm not sure what happened,
why this all came bubbling out like battery acid
but it did.
and i'm still feeling the slight but shaken after effects
leaving me angry and cold.

the girl giving the workshop was amazing,
don't get me wrong.  it had nothing at all to do with the workshop
or the people in it or the material or the location...
it was me.

it was all me.

wondering why i do this.
why i put myself out there...
what am i looking for...what do i hope to acheive.

wondering
if i want to write,
then why don't i just
write.

what am i scared of.