after feeling kind of down about myself
on friday
and finding it hard to pull myself together on Saturday
even knowing i had a wedding
to pull off
ahead of me,
eventually...i felt myself coming around.

the wedding went fantastic.
the lighting was amazing.
the couple was drop dead gorgeous.
the venue was great...and the beach spot
for the photos...unreal.
water hitting the rocks
a view of the dunes...
so happy with how that went.

today i woke up with a headache
but still things have gone ok...
a family photo session in the park
followed by actually using some of the
old furniture i bought earlier this summer
in our over-grown backyard.

walking the dog...

can of cold diet coke and nacho crunch its...
a little editing....
spaghetti supper at my mom's...
some giggling...
a forgotten favorite song on the drive home.

now wrapped up in a blanket for a little late night editing before bed
and i'm feeling better about my place in the world.
:)

this is possibly
the longest
i have ever
been away
from here.

and i feel it.

i am wound too tight
i am swimming in my stress levels
and breathing in my
own battered self confidence.

today started with kind of a rotten morning
with the realization that my
self confidence is very, very easily shaken
and makes me wonder
why that is
and is it only in my abilities with the camera
that i feel that way
or is it hiding in other aspects of my life...
today's did revolve around the camera
but opened other questions for me...

part of me wants to stop doing weddings,
stop doing family photos,
stop doing any photos for money
and
just
go
back
to doing
it
for me
again.

back to when it was fun.

it used to be how i relaxed.

somewhere along the way,
that changed.

i need to really think about this...
what i do know is that today,
when i thought i was going to throw in the towel
and not take on any more weddings
besides what I am already committed to---
i felt a huge sigh of releif
and the weight of the world lifting off me.

time could be mine again.

photography could be fun again.

that warrants some serious consideration.