tuesday truth....

i feel like summer
is flying by
in the blink of an eye…
and it makes me panicky.
Scared that it will be gone
before I know it,
and painfully aware
that I cannot control it.

That’s my biggest fear, you know.
Things that are out of my control.
It’s why I always want to be the driver.
Why I am scared to fly.
Why I am hesitant to date.
I don’t like to be in situations
that feel out of my control
and I really, really don’t like
to be around people
who are out of control
and chaotic and loud…and unpredictable.

It’s why I like to be alone.
Alone is safe.
Even with a leaky roof,
home is predictable. It’s a cocoon
full of all the things
I love.

And my fear of loss of control
has gotten worse
since I had no control over
losing the people
I loved most.

I came here to write about fairies
and new markers and
to justify paying for this website
even though
i barely use it
but instead some truth leaked out
because, apparently, in that
i have no control.

Tomorrow I’ll show you my new markers.
🤭

tuesday truth...

over here,
we are trying.
we are trying to find our “ok” selves.
we are trying.
we are trying to sink into summer
without sinking into
the quicksand of sadness
when we think
about last summer.

every time i go to a beach,
i remember.
when i pass the crepe place,
when i see richmond dairy bar..
when i pass a bingo hall,
when i see the casino,
when i think of the carnival,
the store that used to be McCormacks,
a pack of cigarettes laying on the ground,
red rose tea bags,
a woman with her hair cut,
elvis presley,
when a stranger orders fish and chips.
i see her in my daughter.
i hear her sometimes in my own words.
and i look for her
everywhere.

i hear her laugh,
i feel her here like she is so damn close
that i could get a swat for swearing…
i want to call her, to see her,
to hug her, to save her
i want to fucking save her.
i want to save her.

but i can’t.
and i didn’t.
because you know where i was?

the fucking beach.

(and no matter what the logical
side of my brain will say
my heart will never, ever forgive myself
for that. for that. for that.
who could forgive themselves
for that.)

i don’t write this for forgiveness
or attention or likes.

i write it because i have to
get the words out of me.
because sometimes
i think i might suffocate
in the quicksand.

(logically I know. I know. I know.
but my heart is sometimes
painfully illogical…and broken.)

not what i came here to say..
but this is what seeped out.

whatcha readin'? {goal 48 - book 15}

Well, I just wrote a full book review
and realized I was thinking of the wrong book
and had to start all over.

I didn’t love this book.
It was a meh for me…I felt like
the “enemies” part was trying too hard.
And that the story line
was just fair.

This one will be going in the “give-away” pile.
I didn’t hate it. I just didn’t love it.

❤️❤️❤️’s out of 5 ❤️’s

NEXT UP: BROKEN COUNTRY - CLARE LESLIE HALL

whatcha readin'? (goal 48 - book 14)

I read Writers & Lovers in May.
🩵🩵🩵🩵🩵out of 5 🩵’s

This was one of those
"got pulled in by the cover"
"found at a book sale randomly"
kind of deals but I am so glad I did.

I have had Lily King on my list
of “should read” for a long time
and it was well worth the hype.
It was a little hard to read because
her loss made me think of my own
and maybe it felt a little too soon
but if I avoided all books that
touch on loss, the pickings would be slim.

And sometimes, reading about something
can unleash your own words…
and they may have never come out otherwise.

words escaped like:

read this book curled up
in the swing
by the setting sun,
gingham b&w ruffled pjs,
bare feet,
loving the book…so loving the book.

and also

…I cried because I was so happy for her
(redacted why - spoiler alert)…
and partly because I was still so sad
for both of us -
motherless daughters now
watching for the geese to go
but waiting so much harder
for them to come back
and my heart broke open
a little bit
and my words rushed out
in a gush,
in a torrent,
full of happiness and regret and loss
and love.

And I love when a book makes me want to pick up a pen.

*special guest star in first photo is
the lemon graham cracker pie from
Ruby’s Counter! DEEE-LICIOUS

NEXT UP: ENEMIES TO LOVERS - Laura Jane Williams

the sweetness of sundays & the start of the wayfinders club...

I feel like I have not been here…
I have been posting a lot in video form
mostly over on Instagram
and my Facebook photography page…
this is what I do.
I get excited, I get ideas,
I spin my wheels
and spread myself too thin
in some places
and pour myself too thick in others.
I neglect one
while I barrage another.

the last of my lovely lilacs…

I shared a video post over on FB/insta
about this already but wanted to share it here…
I saw a tiktok about a girl who was
going to do a “girl guides” kinda summer
with her friends…badges and all.

And, of course, I thought
OH! I WANT TO DO THAT.

Now I knew that I would neither create
or sew badges onto anything within a reasonable
amount of time because
if you know me,
you know that my ideas burn out quickly
if I am able to over think them…
I know my flaws. Mostly.
(though sometimes I am a little delusional about them).

Anyway, I coerced a bestie into joining
my club of two (but willing to open it to more
if interested in our mania)…
imagine my surprise when I found out
I could create a CUSTOMIZED journal
from Amazon! My plan is that we will
use the journals as “field journals” to record
our lists and goals,
add stickers for achievements (an easy alternative
to badges)(plus who doesn’t LOVE stickers?!)

Here is the journal (**squealllll!!!!)

The Wayfinders Club.
I think we are all trying to
find our way…
back to ourselves, back from grief,
back to joy and friendships and exploration and adventures.

I was seriously SO HAPPY with
how this turned out.

This is the back of the book…
I wish this graphic was a little smaller
and more centered but
whatever.
I still love it.

So now I have a TON of stickers
coming sometime this week
but today…
I got this!!!

And I am SUPER DUPER EXCITED.
I have always wanted one of these but
struggled to pull the trigger and make a decision.
But I did. And I love it!
This feels like a game changer
for my journals and
for the Wayfinder project!

So I will half-heartily apologize now
for the amount of posts you will
likely see about this…
but I figure if you follow me
on one platform or another,
then you are probably ok with that
because it’s a choice.
(And did I tell you how frigging GRATEFUL
I am that you DO choose to follow me…🩷🩷🩷)

My family on the hand probably feels like
they *have to follow me…heeheehee

I hope you had a fantastic weekend
and here’s a little sunshine for you! 🌞