just a bunch of words...

i have been pretty quiet here...

i'm not really sure why...
i just feel
quiet.

where have i been?
catching up at work,
catching up at home..
trying to catch up on editing...
catchingupcatchingupcatchingupcatchingup
it's a never ending race
and i never seem to feel
like i have crossed the finish line.

feeling like i am spinning my wheels
a lot...
but not gaining much traction.

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i don't know if it's the whole presidential debate
and how i am avoiding social media now because
i am a bit of an ostrich
happier with my head in the sand
than reading the apocalyptic facebook statuses...

or if it's the time change
and the deep darkness falling at 5:00 pm...

or maybe it's sinking in for real
that my boy will be graduating this year...
and that now, when i am alone in the house
(which used to make me very happy, by the way,
to have the house all to myself),
but now, when i am alone,
i get this impending sad feeling that someday
this is how it will be a lot of the time...
a quiet house...no blaring tv, no game cube,
no bickering, no playstation, no vine videos,
no one yelling out of the blue just because that's what she does...

or maybe it's a little bit of giving up the weddings...
on one hand, i keep thinking how great next summer is going to be
but, still makes me sad on another level...
change makes me sad.

and then leonard cohen died...

and i feel like time is playing tricks on me.
it's messing with my head.
it's making me think too much.

or
maybe it's just the chicken i ate that was over 2 weeks old...
:)
 

endings & beginnings...

yesterday, i shot my very last wedding
for a very long time.

it was a bittersweet day for me.

i remember the first wedding i shot...
i charged 60.00 for it because
i was terrified that i
was going to suck.

i drove to the church probably 6 times
before the big day at different times, in different weather
so that i could gauge the light...
as if i could prepare for that.
i knew nothing about shooting a wedding,
i barely knew anything about weddings.

back then, i didn't even have a camera bag.
i had a backpack...and i kept my one extra lens in a winter hat
inside the backpack for protection.
no external flash.
no extra batteries.
just a wing and prayer and a gut full of passion
and fear....a lot of fear.

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that was in 2009.
i have shot roughly 100 weddings since then.
i have cried during the father of the bride speeches
(and most recently a mother of the bride almost brought
me to a sobbing cry as she talked about her little girl
always saying she was going to leave home sometime but never did...
until the day, of course,
that she actually did...
and my girl's move was still very fresh),
i have shot in churches and gardens, on beaches and decks,
in apple orchards, on golf courses, in hot sunshine and in rain...
i have said the phrases -
"just one more...well...i lie when i say just one more...it's always at least 3 more"
"get nice & close, like you like each other"
"one, two, three - JUMP...that was a good practice run...now lets do it again"
"perfect!  that is perfect!"
countless countless COUNTLESS times...

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i love when i feel like a relationship has been built between us,
when i don't just feel like the photographer paid to do a job
at the end of the day, but as a friend.
and i especially love the weddings that connect to a past wedding...
the family with 3 sisters that i was lucky enough to
shoot weddings for...and best friends of theirs...
so many times a couple that i shot for will be in the wedding party
of a new wedding...and seeing them there automatically feels less scary.

because yes, even after 100 weddings
it was still as scary as hell.

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it is huge responsibility that i take very seriously...
to capture that once in a lifetime day for a couple.
that's worth a stomach full of butterflies &
checking & double checking that batteries are charged
and the bag is packed and ready to go.

but now...i know that i need a break.
i am sad to let go of this part of my life
but i am also very excited to see what comes next.

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a huge thanks again to everyone
that has taken a chance on me
over the years...i can't tell you
what that has meant to me.
i do have a wedding booked for 2020
so it's not goodbye forever...
just a "so long for now".
♥ ♥ ♥

(& you'll still see me posting on the FB page for the next couple of months
as i catch up on my editing!!)
 

tuesday truths

♥ i have not watched judge judy since my girl left...
   it was kind of our "family" thing...&
   it just isn't the same without her

♥ i am still watching scandal
   although i am hating it...and yet...i can't stop watching it.

♥ i just ate week-old corn on the cob and reheated KFC popcorn chicken.

♥ i am slightly blown away by the response to yesterday's post
   which i have to tell you
   i COMPLETELY did not expect.
   i get excited when i get over 10 visitors
   to this little blog...i'm all like yay!  somebody actually read me!
  (or someone googled the word bixby and accidentally found me...
   that happens quite a bit...)(what!?!  don't tell me you
   didn't watch bixby and me...we live in a tree...well...i didn't have cable as a kid)
   but anyway.... :)
   the slightly surreal reality that since last night,
   SIX HUNDRED AND TEN
   people have stopped by here
   is astounding to me.
   i kind of post these things and forget
   that other people may actually read it...
   that someone i don't recognize may stop me
   in the grocery store and ask me how i'm getting along
   with my daughter being gone because i wrote about it
   in depth on my blog....
   it's amazing and surreal and fun and
   just a little tiny bit scary.

   part of me thinks maybe i say too much,
   maybe i should pull back, maybe i should be quieter,
   maybe someone should cut me off from the internet... :)
   but then part of me shrugs her shoulders
   and says....but...this is me....
   i've been writing this blog this way for over ten years,
   the only difference is that now
   someone besides me might actually read it....heeheehee.

♥  i am loving the new july talk cd (ok..is it cd or album or record or what? what do you callmusic that just in the air?)  

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tuesday truth:: that phone call...

i didn't want to write about this last week.
i couldn't.
i think the scare was still too fresh,
too real,
too raw.

a phone call during supper...

a nurse is on the line
telling you first
that everything is ok,
remember that when
we tell you the rest...
everything is ok.

and yet
my heart still fell to the floor
when they said
"we have campbell here...
he's been in a car accident".

{everything is ok...remember...everything is ok}

we rush up to emergency
and find him in the same big room
that stirling was in after his bike accident...
neck brace on
but just as a precaution...
xrays are done,
ultrasounds and blood pressure,
and many, many
times being told
how lucky he was,
how lucky all 3 of them were.

the nurse was right,
everything really is ok.
he is fine, the other kids are ok...
lessons have been learned
the hard way
(but not as hard
as they could have been.)

and once again
i have been reminded
that life can change
on the spin of a dime...
to hug the people i love
every time i can
and to stop what i am doing
to really listen to their stories...
to pay attention,
to be present,
to not take any time for granted.
 

can we just s l o w things down...just a little...

one night when she was very little,
she started crying as i was tucking her into bed...
she said she didn't want to grow up
and move out...
ever.

i assured her then
that she never had to move out.
she could live with us forever.
"even my husband?" she said
"even if i get married?"

even your husband, i said.

............................................................................

today we left you in your shiny new apartment
armed with new pots and pans
and a cookie sheet that doesn't fit your oven.
we made you try all of your keys
and drove around looking for bus stops
and making you maps...

and then, we hugged you tight
and whispered "be good" & "love you"
and then my throat closed over tight
and i couldn't say anymore
so i had to just wave instead
and hope that i have told you
everything i needed to tell you,
have shown you everything i should have...
and still, i was texting you before
i even had the car door shut.

it is hard, this thing about growing up...
it is so much harder than i ever thought it would be.
i think a little part of my head (and heart)
thought that maybe
they would really always live at home.

maybe i wasn't reassuring her back then
that she could always live with us...
i was reassuring me.

and yes.
i get it.  i know that she will be fine
and that this is the next logical step
and i am every little bit proud of her as i can be
for making this move and being this brave...
and i know that she can do this.
she is smart and funny and sharp...
she is so much more confident and strong than
i ever thought of being at that age,
but still...
it's a bittersweet parenting victory.

one kid away from home, the other one starting grade 12...
i just want to pump the brakes a little...
just slow things down...
just a little...
you can still grow up...
but be patient with me...
my heart might have a little catching up to do...
it's been in denial for a long time.
:)