one night when she was very little,
she started crying as i was tucking her into bed...
she said she didn't want to grow up
and move out...
ever.

i assured her then
that she never had to move out.
she could live with us forever.
"even my husband?" she said
"even if i get married?"

even your husband, i said.

............................................................................

today we left you in your shiny new apartment
armed with new pots and pans
and a cookie sheet that doesn't fit your oven.
we made you try all of your keys
and drove around looking for bus stops
and making you maps...

and then, we hugged you tight
and whispered "be good" & "love you"
and then my throat closed over tight
and i couldn't say anymore
so i had to just wave instead
and hope that i have told you
everything i needed to tell you,
have shown you everything i should have...
and still, i was texting you before
i even had the car door shut.

it is hard, this thing about growing up...
it is so much harder than i ever thought it would be.
i think a little part of my head (and heart)
thought that maybe
they would really always live at home.

maybe i wasn't reassuring her back then
that she could always live with us...
i was reassuring me.

and yes.
i get it. i know that she will be fine
and that this is the next logical step
and i am every little bit proud of her as i can be
for making this move and being this brave...
and i know that she can do this.
she is smart and funny and sharp...
she is so much more confident and strong than
i ever thought of being at that age,
but still...
it's a bittersweet parenting victory.

one kid away from home, the other one starting grade 12...
i just want to pump the brakes a little...
just slow things down...
just a little...
you can still grow up...
but be patient with me...
my heart might have a little catching up to do...
it's been in denial for a long time.
:)