poetry thursday....

not so much following the prompt today
unless it counts that it is not so much
a word
that i hate in this poem
but a feeling,
a remembered feeling,
vague and disconcerting,
like a vividly bad dream...

bridget made me think of this,
in a confused and unconnected sort of way.
a post she wrote one day
made me think of the time
i wrote the words
"bred to violence"
in a poem and then those words
stayed in my head
saying themselves out loud
until finally i had to go find the poem
and promise to put it here
so my head would shut up.

so...with an introduction like that....
heh heh...
here it is
(please, keep in mind, it was back in 93)
(and bridget, when i said it goes away eventually, it does...
but this was when i was out the situation but still deep in
confusion)

bred to violence
and anger in my room
bruises spread like a disease
and i cry to you in the dark
just the way you like it
(i've seen you dancing in the garden
with only a night light on)
i know the way you like it.
wearing only anger.

a day at the park

i'm thirty six.

i have friends.

i'm cool.

i'm smart.

i'm happily married with the two kids, the
husband i adore, the house (even if it is a fixer-upper)
and the dog (even if i own the dog only because i have to).

so.

why is it that the presence of one person
from my high school days
at the park today
could transport me back to
sudden insecurity,
(does my bandana look stupid? damn
i shouldn't have worn it...if i take it out
now will my hair look stupid?...damnit,
why did i wear these ugly flipflops from
zellers?)
discomfort, judging myself
and wondering if when their little
group gathered at the picnic table,
if they were talking about me
(remember her? remember she didn't have
a boyfriend until she was sixteen? remember
that time she wore those shorts? with those
shoes?)

sigh.

and then the second wave of anger
at myself as i walked home
(pushing a stupid looking stroller,
why couldn't it be a cooler looking one?)
kicking myself
at how i can let them do this to me
again...
let them eat away at my confidence...
make me doubt myself...

but its not them i'm mad at,
its myself.

i'm sure i was not the topic of conversation
at their picnic table.
and what happened to all my big talk
of being who you are regardless what
anyone thinks...
my big talk of not caring what anyone thinks.

bah.

maybe ten can give me a pep talk
when she gets home from school.
:)

grateful friday a day late...

--the sun is out!
--my brother made it out safely and without an embarassingly
emotional outburst from me as a send off...
just a trembly hug and voice-cracking goodbye
--my daughter's play (she is in the choir) went off perfectly
--the garden is starting to grow and so far, i have been able to keep
the rodents at bay by covering up the plants at night


--reading this book in one night makes me realize what i DO have,
how LUCKY i really am, how GRATEFUL i really should be...

all right, now get out there and have a great weekend!
:)

the truth of the matter.

i guess
the weather is not all
that is dragging heavily over me,
weighing me down,
making me sad,
listless,
quiet.

my brother
who has been living with us
on and off
(but mostly on)
for about ten years
is moving far away.

he leaves tomorrow.

all week
i have felt increasingly
silent...
void...
and i blamed it on pms
and i blamed it on rain

but the truth of the matter is
everytime i think
about him going,
about him being gone,
my face starts to twist toward tears...

so...
that's that.

yawwwwwwnnnn....

ack.

lately i have noticed
that my energy level
seems to be directly correlated
to the weather...
sunny=bouncy
cloudy=lethargic

rain makes me almost comatose.

this sucks.

and something has been tearing out
the plants in my garden...
could be a cat, a dog, a skunk,
a raccoon or just birds...

hard to protect from assault
when you don't know who the
culprit is...

my husband keeps saying
"just remember, they could be
just like the little guys on Over
The Hedge"

heh.
whatever.