i have a crush.

this is going to sound
so
completely odd
and bizarre
and silly
but
anyway...
whatever...
i've never let that hinder me before.

i am totally crushing
on my life right now.

i really don't know how else to explain it.

all day, the chorus in my head,
is singing "i love my life i love my life
i love my life (big finish!) RIGHTNOWWWWWWW".

heh.
sounds pretty lame actually
now that i type it out...

see.
here's the thing.
over the last three years
i went from doing a job i really liked,
to sort-of liked,
to kinda-of sort-of liked,
to considering-sawing-at-my-wrists-with-
a-dull-and-rusty-butter-knife as a funner way
to spend my day.

and now.
now i look after one child who may have been
diagnosed with autism but he is the sweetest,
kindest, funniest, smartest, cutest little guy...
and it helps that i have had him in my care
for the whole three years...
other children have come and gone and come again,
but this little guy has been ever present in my home
and in my family....

so yeah...
one child instead of the plethora of preschoolers i did have.
and my husband thinks
(and i would be commit-able if i did not agree)
that since he is starting a new business
which has the potential to be very lucrative,
that we will forego the retail job that would take
up 3 nights a week and cause much stress for little money.

instead, he said, "i'll get the stuff and transform the
upstairs of my workshop into one for you...with an
air-nailer, chopsaw (heh, i foresee alot of painfully funny
stories arising from that)(get it..painfully funny), huge desks,

lots of storage,
and you can make things to sell if thats what you
really want to do"

do i? do i? heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee DO I!!!!
i am so excited.
i can't even begin to tell you how excited i am.

i have so much time now
and so little stress...
(which works much better as an equation...
backwards, it was not so much fun)

i have started putting in a huge garden.
i am going to scrape the paint off the house
so we can stain it "navajo red" which
i seen on someone elses house and fell so much
in love with it that i had to go knock on their door
and request the name of the color...
heehee.
i am literally vibrating with ideas and excitement
and anticipation...
woohoo...
bring the summer on, i'm ready!

oh...and one more thing...regarding the amazing race...
go hippies!!!!!!!!!!

oh...and yeah...sunday scribbles...its over here...
and here...

time out.

i have been having a hard time
getting to the computer lately.

between putting in a garden
and starting a new "career"
and wondering if i should go back to the bookstore
(is the money going to be worth the tension
and hassle it will cause to work out of the home
on weeknights and saturdays? i'm not so sure anymore)

between finishing secret life of bees
(and loving it!) and starting the english patient...
between not wanting to miss the winding down
(or up depending how you look at it)
of the apprentice and the amazing race...

between mothers day and new baby gifts,
a broken down jeep
and walks to the park on beautifully sunny days...

between two sick kids...one fevered, the other
coughing all night...
and trying the "gym" curves for the first time
and trying to fit in some pilates videos at home...

i have had a hard time getting here...
please bear with me.

where i have been hanging out on a poetry thursday..

i have changed my workspace around some.
i painted a bulletin board.
i painted a chair.

i am really happy now when i am working there.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this is something i wrote a long time ago
while still feeling some residual echoes of
what it was like to live with someone who
acted like they hated you
but whispered
that they loved you.

alcohol numbs the
noise raging in my brain
allows me to focus
on the subject in question
rather than the terrain.
you broke my heart-
you can't break me.
i am a monster of your creation but
you will never contain me
(nor will you hope to)
honest in your fear of my liberty
(truth belittles your insincere show of honesty)
yet i lack the conviction to ignore your hostility
seeing what your underlying
boiling-point
anger
has done to me.

so tragic in my honesty,
i lack simplicity.

for more poetry thursday, go here.

heh...wouldn't it be funny if...

yeah.
so.

wouldn't it be funny if someone
had a spring-like resurgence of, um, interest
in their signifigant other
and to celebrate that
this person decided to buy some
new..um...underthings...to go
along with the resurgence...

(in her defence, she really needed
some anyway!)

and suppose this person found the
perfect thing...very little girl like
innocent and sweet and yet
very flimsy and not something you
would take with you if you had to
go and stay overnight at the hospital...

and suppose said unmentionables
were the cutest pale purple and light lime-green
and on sale for 2 for 20.00
(actually...they were ten dollars each but
this person likes the sound of 2 for 20 better...)
so this girl that i am telling you about
decided to buy both the purple and the green.

and oh yeah...
they even came on these cutesy little hangers,
covered in the same fabric and little bows and whatnot.

and wouldn't it be funny if when that girl
(who was kind of shy and modest and quiet...and modest)
was taking said flimsy yet innocent unmentionables
up to the cash and the only cash open
has a (what seems like) 15 year old boy working the register.

and suppose said 15 year old boy with acne did not notice
that the girl had the unmentionables all balled up
with only the price tags sticking out so he could scan them
FOR A REASON
and instead he starts fumbling around trying to take them
off the hanger (THATCOMESWITHTHEM) while
six people are in line behind her watching her
blush and mutter "the hangers come..leave them on the hangers"
as he croaks in his puberty cracked voice, holding up the
flimsy scrap of thong-like-once-innocent-looking-but-
now-just-screaming-pervert "oh...the hangers
come with this???"

ack.
wouldn't that be funny if that happened to someone...
heh.

tired tuesday.

i am typing
but i feel at though i should be napping.

this morning was particularly stressful
and tiring and emotionally exhausting.

it is hard when you beleive in what you are doing
and you know that in order to have the big picture
that you want
you need to do some things right now
that seem mean and cold and not necessary.

but they are necessary...
in the long run...
in the scope of the big picture.

and it is harder still
to watch someone that you have come to care about,
even though you have been cautioned
to "keep a professional distance and a work
relationship",
cry out of sadness, frustration and discomfort...

so
all in all
the morning kind of sucked
even though it felt as though
there was a breakthrough in the end.

and now i am tired.