i so wish...

i knew how to knit
to sew
to crochet
to make my own paper out of scraps
to quilt
to paint
to build things from wood
to make necklaces
and jewellry
from wire and beads...

i wish i had a sewing machine
i wish i had a glue gun
i wish i had a room of my own
i wish i had the guts to give myself permission
to do what i want to do...

if i did
i would write
poetry and novels
and letters of deep meaning
to new friends...

i would take pictures
and develop them in my own dark room
and make fragile and candy-cane sweet christmas
decorations from sugar and water and glue..

and i think i would care less
that my hair cut sucks
and i am wearing comfy pants
and a pumpkin orange sweatshirt
if they were stained
with ink and paint
and my own creative juices...

sigh.

'appy 'appy fri-day

things i love today...

the white birch tree outside my kitchen window
pale green flannel sheets
nuzzles at the back of my neck while doing dishes
this ancient but beloved cd
a lingering cuddle with ten after she hurt herself on the step

screaming mimis...

well.
wednesday has certainly sucked.

i won't go into detail
of the screaming, wailing, runny-nosed,
toy-grabbing, standing-on-the-couch,
knocking-each-other-off-the-rocking-chair,
stubborn, tongue-sticking-out, refusing-
to-eat, stinky pampered kind of morning
that i had
but suffice to say
that when the neighbor brought the dog back
(oh yes,
did i mention, the dog also ran away in the midst
of this hellish morning and i didn't notice)
so when the neighbor brought the dog back
and i dragged the dog in the house by the rope
that it actually took with it when it ran away...
(the whole rope was still attached to his collar...)
so when i dragged the dog in by the rope
he was attached to
while holding a baby in the middle of a bottle
and listening to two children screaming their way
into the world book of records
i considered what else could be done with that rope...
how tight would i have to tie it...
what could i jump from...

heh.

no really....
it wasn't that bad...
i'm a bit melodramatic
heh.
heh.

i love them all...
even when they are screaming
and fluid is dripping from their
collective noses
onto my couch
and the baby spits up across the length
of the living room...
i just write like this
to keep my sanity...
heh...
if you can't laugh at it,
then whats the point of doing it?
:)

hindsight is 20/20

so.

the public health nurse called me on wednesday
to tell me that they did a routine vision test
in the grade one class that my 6 year old son is in
and they had some concern with his left eye.

i took him to an eye doctor on friday morning
half expecting them to say slightly nearsighted
or slightly farsighted
or needing glasses
but as the testing progressed i found myself sitting
with fingers crossed tightly that that would be all
they found...

as it turns out, six has very poor,
(read: next to none)
vision in his left eye...
apparently
it is a lazy eye
even though it looks perfectly healthy from the outside
apparently
there may be nothing
that can be done because
apparently
we should have had his eyes tested at 3 years of age

i sat in that office in shock.

i read parenting magazines
and parenting books
and parenting websites
on a daily basis...
i have a diploma in early childhood care and education,
i have many friends that have children...
i have never heard tell of having my children's vision
tested by age three
anywhere...ever....
i was stunned.

so we have two referrals coming up
with specialists who will either patch
the good eye to make him use the bad
although the dr i saw on friday said his left
was so bad, that he may not be able to
function with the other eye patched...
or they may say
it is past the window of fixable opportunity
and we missed it...
and nothing can be done.

i am stunned.
really and truly stunned.
i know that there are worse things
we could have found out
and i am grateful that this is all that it was
but still
its hard to process...
especially the guilt part....
how could i have not seen?
should i have seen?
how could i have NOT seen???

sigh.

hair on the back of my neck...

as i read this blog
today
(as i always make time to do, heehee)
i was reminded of something i wanted
to tell...

my daughter, 10
came into our room
the other morning and
said she had a dream
that she got her fortune told
and it said
that her color was as light as an angel
but her lips made the sound of the devil

heh. heh.
(nervously-kinda-creeped-out-giggle
in case ya didn't know...)