inner excavation::4 questions

morning pages and 4 questions inspired by inner excavation:

who am i?
point blank.
dark haired

avid reader
happily married
wildly in love
mom of two
photographer-on-the-side

happy in my dream day job
diet coke addict

muppet loving
whimsical, amusing, loner
slightly anti-social
yet always smiling
at strangers
cartoon fanatic
oxymoron
weird and wordy...
and ok
with being weird
and wordy.

who or what inspires me?
stories.  scents.  memories.  music.  authors.  Margaret Atwood.  Leonard Cohen.  blogs.  pinterest.  color.  shapes.  lines.  architecture.   writing.  words.  writers.  non-conformists.  movies.  fonts.  advertising.  lyrics.  nature.  imaginative people.  people who are brave; who put themselves out there, who are ok with being themselves, who stand up for other people.  patterns.  artists.

how do you nurture yourself?
music
long drives
walks
yoga

reading
meditation
organization
list making
facials
daydreaming
allowing myself to just sit, to just be.

how did you find your creative voice?
through accidental blogging...
while looking for a mortgage and being frustrated with the system
only to find that there was a whole world of other people out there
that liked the same things that
i like.
a click and a rush...an opening....a gush of possibility
an awareness, an excitement.
bringing me to today.

want to play along...go here for a free read-a-long!

inner excavation::week one and a memory

a year ago this weekend,
my husband was in a motorcycle accident.

it was a friday night.

he has not been able to work since that night.
but things are getting better.
hopefully, he will be able to get back to work in the next 6-8 weeks.
it has been a long year
of fear and worry
recuperation
and small steps forward
of tears and giggles
and hospital beds and
surgeries.

but it could have been so much worse.

that summer, i had planned on doing inner excavation
with liz lamoreux as she was going to do a read-along
but, for obvious reasons,
that kind of fell by the way-side.

but
this summer,
it is being done again here with liz's blessing...
so i have signed up again
with the hopes that i will do the whole book this time.

so...
that said...
they are doing a bit of a show & tell over at the glitterhood...
and here is mine.

 this is the journal that i started last year when it began...

at that time, begin was my mantra,
was my starting point and seemed to also be my stopping point...
i could not seem to move past "beginning" even before the accident.
but this year,
i am hoping to push myself harder.
to let go of the feeling that things have to be perfect,
that i need the right materials, the right ingredients, the right time of day...
the reality is
i
just
need
to
begin.

so here i am again.

at the beginning.

i have decided that this year,
i will start a photo series but one that will encompass the whole summer for me.
the reason for this is two part....
i have the deep seated need to spend more time with my family this summer,
to really connect...and also, to embrace summer.
to not let it just pass me by
in the blink of an eye.

in that vein, here is a list of

summer photo ideas

• the deck as it progresses
• tomato plants
• berry picking
• bare feet
• grass
• bonfire
• summer skirts and bare legs
• beach
• flowers
• popsicles
• slushies, floats, ice cream
• dairy bars
• the kids
• fireworks
• a road trip
• parade
• sparklers
• bbq's
• corn on the cob
• berries

and this is how i will embrace summer.

tuesday truths and little inner excavating...

the truth is
i'm feeling a little down today.

the truth is
sometimes
i feel like i have got it all goin' on...
i have got it all under control
and i feel powerful and confident,
competent and strong.

the truth is
sometimes
one small thing
can happen
(in this case, maybe two)
(and maybe not that small...maybe kind of big)
(maybe kind of fucking hit me straight in the face
like a brick wall big because i had been going along
thinking that everything was good,
school was getting out, the kids are healthy and happy,
no more phone calls telling me that gym clothes were forgotten
or that anyone was getting expelled for smoking on school grounds)

and then this.
(which my rational mind
tells me is typical teenage behaviour
and did we not all do the same, make the same bad choices
and you should know they are going to make bad choices
but fucking fucking fuck
why
is
this
part of parenting
so bloody hard).

this is not what i came here to write.
i came here to write about tomato plants on the deck
and starting inner excavation again...
to post pretty pictures
and paint my life as perfectly ok.

but it's not.
not always.
and that is perfectly ok, too.

they are going to make mistakes.
sometimes they will be big ones.
it is what happens after that
that counts.
whether they repeat the same mistakes.
whether they learn from them.
that's what matters.

that
and that they know that we love them unconditionally.
which we do.
(that's what makes this part of parenting so bloody hard).

friday i'm in love....

• with pb&j on an english muffin
• with salads full of sliced strawberries and ripe blackberries and thin asiago cheese
• with the smell of rain on the night air through a window screen
• lemon scented pinesol and pledge reminding me of my parent's house
• giggles and shared videos with 17
• listening to 13 chatter about minecraft and grad dances and summer sleepovers
• the anticipation of a commitment free weekend still ahead of me...
• these guys...always, always these guys...

did you ever have one of those mornings

where you hated every
single article
of clothing
that you owned
and
nothing fit you right
and your hair
took so long
to blowdry
that
you actually started
to break out into a sweat
making the hair damp and stick
to the back of your neck
again
and forcing you to examine
the futile exercise
of blowdrying.

a morning where you snapped at your husband
even though
he was just trying to be sweet
and your skirt felt too short
but you weren't sure what length was
acceptable for a person your age
and that pissed you off
that you even had to wonder that.

your razor was rusty
but it was ok
because it was so dull
it was unlikely you could cut yourself
no matter how hard
you might try.

it was just that kind of morning.