occassionally i get kind of panicky
and think that something might happen
to my husband
and i get short of breath
and sick to my stomach
and the only way i can calm myself down
is to lay my head on his chest
and silently
count his heartbeats...

my best friend told me today about a relative of hers
that went to the doctor for a checkup
and found out she had cancer
all through her
they told her it was too late to do anything
there was no treatment
there was no hope
she is 42

how awful would that be to know that you may only have
days
left to live, to be with the ones you love
and to know that the ones you love are going to be left behind
how would someone deal with that
how would someone cope
i just can't even comprehend

she has a husband and a ten year old son

it certainly made all of my problems annoyances irritations
and concerns
seem totally irrelevant
suddenly i was looking forward to being able to go and strip tiles off the floor...
and suddenly my daughter's recent i'm-trying-to-drive-you-around-the-bend-behavior
didn't seem all that bad...
suddenly
i was just happy that it was a sunny clear day
and that i was here to feel it...
funny how things put other things
into perspective...

i'm going to put my kids to bed
and give them some extra kisses...
and to count my husbands heartbeats