i have been up since 6 am
on a saturday morning
(you weren't here)
(my feet were cold)
(i can't get warm by myself)...

the sun is shining
and i have done the dishes
and started the laundry
and opened the bills
that made me feel sick
and panicky
and ill.

i rollercoaster between emotions...
we can do this,
it will get better,
we've done it before...
oh my god.
how did this happen.
how do we get out of this hole.
where is the light
at the end of the tunnel...
we've been in worse spots
(have we really?)

and then i force myself to breathe slower.
this is not the end of the world.
what is the worst that could happen?
no one is sick.
we are all healthy and happy and
we laugh really hard at least once a day...

so the water in the basement may have made the
furnace sound a lot louder than it should.
so the bills are mounting.
the snow is also melting, too
and the pug is sleeping in a basket at my feet.
the kids have both gotten jobs
S is ready to take on new things for the summer,
weddings will be starting soon.

this will pass.
this will pass.
this will pass.

someday i will look back and think remember when.