here i am
hoping against hope
that i am not the only one
that finds myself feeling this way.
scared...panicky...short of breath
for a thousand different reasons
but no specific reason in particular...
feelings of guilt that i am not doing enough,
not fast enough, not quick enough, not enough-enough.
{you're not walking enough anymore that bill is late you should be further ahead in editing why does your hair look so stupid where is 16's backpack we NEED to get groceries but first i have to clean out the fridge the car needs an oil change i should make an appointment for a physical oh right 16 needs an eye appointment i have to get those photos printed what the hell how do i have 32 emails again there's nothing to make for supper i have to get groceries take out again you're not walking/reading/writing/blogging/seeing friends or family enough anymore}
my scittery-scattery brain jumping and running
and leaping from one thought to another
in giant run on sentences...
i have to...i should have...i will...i must...i need to...
this bill and that email,
which commitment and what to-do list.
my days are full...like...full...
and full of good stuff, don't get me wrong...
kittens...and pugs...and fall leaves...and laughing
snuggles and shared stories and haunted barns
and corn chowder...
but i feel like lately
"you are doing the best that you can"
is my mantra....my slogan...my little bit of truth.
i am doing the best that i can.
and that's all that i can do.
other than let go....
i could learn to let go.
let go of the fear of disappointing others,
of being judged...of not meeting expectations
when you don't even know what the expectations are...
let go. breathe. and go watch the kittens battle each other
while the pug tries to inhale them but only ends up
sneezing on them which makes the girl with the
blue green hair giggle and the boy who
just turned 16 can't pass the kittens
without stopping to snuggle them...
things are good...things are fine...
that guy that you married...the one that always knows
just what to say when you get like this...(cause you always get like this)
will tell you
"you're doing the best that you can".
and that's ok.