inner excavation::week one and a memory

a year ago this weekend,
my husband was in a motorcycle accident.

it was a friday night.

he has not been able to work since that night.
but things are getting better.
hopefully, he will be able to get back to work in the next 6-8 weeks.
it has been a long year
of fear and worry
recuperation
and small steps forward
of tears and giggles
and hospital beds and
surgeries.

but it could have been so much worse.

that summer, i had planned on doing inner excavation
with liz lamoreux as she was going to do a read-along
but, for obvious reasons,
that kind of fell by the way-side.

but
this summer,
it is being done again here with liz's blessing...
so i have signed up again
with the hopes that i will do the whole book this time.

so...
that said...
they are doing a bit of a show & tell over at the glitterhood...
and here is mine.

 this is the journal that i started last year when it began...
at that time, begin was my mantra,
was my starting point and seemed to also be my stopping point...
i could not seem to move past "beginning" even before the accident.
but this year,
i am hoping to push myself harder.
to let go of the feeling that things have to be perfect,
that i need the right materials, the right ingredients, the right time of day...
the reality is
i
just
need
to
begin.
so here i am again.

at the beginning.

i have decided that this year,
i will start a photo series but one that will encompass the whole summer for me.
the reason for this is two part....
i have the deep seated need to spend more time with my family this summer,
to really connect...and also, to embrace summer.
to not let it just pass me by
in the blink of an eye.

in that vein, here is a list of

summer photo ideas

  • the deck as it progresses
  • tomato plants
  • berry picking
  • bare feet
  • grass
  • bonfire
  • summer skirts and bare legs
  • beach
  • flowers
  • popsicles
  • slushies, floats, ice cream
  • dairy bars
  • the kids
  • fireworks
  • a road trip
  • parade
  • sparklers
  • bbq's
  • corn on the cob
  • berries
and this is how i will embrace summer.

tuesday truths and little inner excavating...

the truth is
i'm feeling a little down today.

the truth is
sometimes
i feel like i have got it all goin' on...
i have got it all under control
and i feel powerful and confident,
competent and strong.

the truth is
sometimes
one small thing
can happen
(in this case, maybe two)
(and maybe not that small...maybe kind of big)
(maybe kind of fucking hit me straight in the face
like a brick wall big because i had been going along
thinking that everything was good,
school was getting out, the kids are healthy and happy,
no more phone calls telling me that gym clothes were forgotten
or that anyone was getting expelled for smoking on school grounds)

and then this.
(which my rational mind
tells me is typical teenage behaviour
and did we not all do the same, make the same bad choices
and you should know they are going to make bad choices
but fucking fucking fuck
why
is
this
part of parenting
so bloody hard).

this is not what i came here to write.
i came here to write about tomato plants on the deck
and starting inner excavation again...
to post pretty pictures
and paint my life as perfectly ok.

but it's not.
not always.
and that is perfectly ok, too.

they are going to make mistakes.
sometimes they will be big ones.
it is what happens after that
that counts.
whether they repeat the same mistakes.
whether they learn from them.
that's what matters.

that
and that they know that we love them unconditionally.
which we do.
(that's what makes this part of parenting so bloody hard).



friday i'm in love....

  • with pb&j on an english muffin
  • with salads full of sliced strawberries and ripe blackberries and thin asiago cheese
  • with the smell of rain on the night air through a window screen
  • lemon scented pinesol and pledge reminding me of my parent's house
  • giggles and shared videos with 17
  • listening to 13 chatter about minecraft and grad dances and summer sleepovers
  • the anticipation of a commitment free weekend still ahead of me...
  • these guys...always, always these guys...

did you ever have one of those mornings

where you hated every
single article
of clothing
that you owned
and
nothing fit you right
and your hair
took so long
to blowdry
that
you actually started
to break out into a sweat
making the hair damp and stick
to the back of your neck
again
and forcing you to examine
the futile exercise
of blowdrying.

a morning where you snapped at your husband
even though
he was just trying to be sweet
and your skirt felt too short
but you weren't sure what length was
acceptable for a person your age
and that pissed you off
that you even had to wonder that.

your razor was rusty
but it was ok
because it was so dull
it was unlikely you could cut yourself
no matter how hard
you might try.

it was just that kind of morning.

where i've been while i haven't been here...

 
    where have i been...

  
i have taken a few photos...and cleaned up the computer...reformatted one external hard drive and filled up another one...new operating system...playing with one note (which i think is really going to help me stay organized with weddings this year).


 i have been doing a little reading...loving this book




 a little bit of yoga...very little cleaning (not as much as i should)...



attended my last writing group meeting until the fall...which was fun...
and found me feeling like i had told too much about myself...like i had talked too much
and gave too much away.  i am socially awkward, i don't know why.  i always have been.
but it's good for me to push myself out of my comfort zone in that way.  right?



signed up for this (yet again)...last year i signed up for it with great enthusiasm
but then my husband had his motorcycle accident and my focus shifted. 
so when this option came up again with a different host, i thought, now is the time...

i am feeling like this is the down time...these are the moments i can breathe...
things are going to get messy and busy and out of control
very, very soon.
back to halifax tomorrow for another appointment,
two sets of engagements photos,
skydiggers this friday
followed by my first wedding of the season on saturday
and then...
well pretty much a wedding every second weekend until October...

so right now,
in this moment...
i am breathing in.
i am taking a moment.
before the crazy begins.