tuesday truth

and there is only one.

sometimes i feel lonely
even when i am not by myself,
when i am standing amidst a group
of people,
the chatter, the din, the racket and
ruckus silences me
makes me feel small
and of no consequence.

so i shrink further back
into my shell...pulling my legs
and arms back in
before anyone could have
even noticed they were out...

closing my eyes, imagining myself
anywhere else
but here
amongst friends
and sometimes family...

sometimes i am just lonely.
overwhelmingly
surprisingly
quietly
awkwardly
tiredly
full of emptiness.

quiet...

no radio on...
no frantic clicking of the keys
on the computer behind me...
the tv has not been on yet this morning.

no one has asked me for ice cream
{after the pre-requisite breakfast, of course}
no talk of lego building
or lego websites
or drones and star war figures
or emperor palatine
and count dooku and can
my paints be used to create
custom lego men???

no ringing phone
no shower running,
no hearing the music she is
listening to, even though
she has headphones on.

only birds...
and a lawnmower...
rustling leaves...
my own jagged pitter patter
clicking of keys
as the words come to me
in small storms of truth.

and sighs
as i miss them...
they have only been gone one
night but already the day seems
so long without them here.

5 truths on a friday morning...

~i am happy today.
today i am happy.
there are dirty dishes lining the cupboard
and laundry that should be
out on the line...
one kid still in bed
and the other watching mindless tv
eating waffles with no shirt on
and yet, i am happy...
tonight i will take pictures for a
freelance job, spend time with
friends i haven't seen for too long of a
time and possibly be hungover in the
morning...
but i'm happy right now...
at this very moment.

~i feel a change coming on...
i love blogger, i do...
but i feel like i might be ready
for a change...
it's been over 4 years now...
i don't know.

~i have felt the urge to express
myself more in words lately...
not that i don't want to in photos
but i think i relied heavily on photos
for quite a while...
and my words felt sparse and
when i did try to write...i felt
like i was forcing them...and they
came out sounding strained
and unfamiliar.

~i am reading diana gabaldon's series
right now...i am on the second one...
and not sure that i am loving them
but know that now that i have started them,
i will eventually finish them...
i am that kind of girl.

~i have been watching episodes of
laverne and shirley...facts of life...
happy days...and i love this...i could
care less if i ever watched "new" tv
again if i could watch old tv all the
time...{and i remember all the
words to the theme songs...which
also makes me insanely happy}

scribbling on thursday...

The same morning she painted the robot, she decided
she should start writing again. Why the hell not, she
thought. What could it hurt?

The robot, so far, was pencilled in on a pale pink background.
He had a yellow head and a bright yellow button on his belly.
{I'm not sure what the button does if you push it. I'm not
certain she knows yet.} But it's tempting, so bright canary
yellow...touch me...try me.

She carried characters in her head. They were with her
all the time, lounging around in the background, eating
peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on the green velvet
couch, always getting their sticky, smeary fingers all over
the remote...jamming up the buttons...leaving sweet
sticky spots on the couch.

They were polite, though, and generally very quiet.
Occassionally, they would whisper things to her
while she trying to sleep or do the dishes. Things like
"She was tiny and blond with sharp shoulder blades
and a cutting smile" and they would try to make her
think the thoughts were her own. But she would
always catch on and send them, begrudgingly, back
to the couch, licking jam from their sticky raspberry
fingers while she attended to more important things...
the bills not yet paid, the grocery list have made, the
chores of life.

the dust settles...

the art and wine festival is over...
i sold about 10 pieces
and learned a lot about what
people are more interested in...

met another person who also
loves to take pictures...
made plans to get up early some morning
and go look for bald eagles...
:O)

am now digging out from under
piles of built up laundry
and dirty dishes,
messy kid's rooms
and grocery restocking...

and stopping every now and then
to breath in the fresh cut grass
and savor the taste of bbq'd suppers
on the deck...
i heart summer.