vindication


everyone tries to vindicate themselves
searching for validation
proof that
they
are here...
proof of existence
of survival
of truth
and hair, teeth, bone, memory
density to a different degree...

this is where i am today.

searching for my own truth
my own proof
my reason for remaining
trying to fit my story
into the pieces and patterns of yours...

Focus. focus. Focus. foCus. FOcus.


at shutter sisters, the word for november is focus.

and that made me think.
and think.
and think.
what is my focus?
right now.
today
this month
this week
this year

what is my focus.

somedays
i don't feel focus...
i can't.
instead
my life feels like i am looking through
a kaleidoscope
all shattered scattered pieces
spinning round and round

and i am just trying to keep
the pieces in balance,
i'm just trying to make the picture
pretty...

it's not a bad thing...

i kind of like kaleidoscopes...

time change and monday mornings...


i had a fantastic weekend.

i feel rejuvenated today,
i feel calm
and centered.

Groceries were bought, a chicken roasted...
conversations held and hugs given,
"i love you"s both offered and returned...
laundry is caught up, bedrooms are tidy
editing of photos moving forward at a good pace...
the video was finished and received plenty of
great feedback...
i'm happy today...really really happy.

a day behind already...heeheehee

it's a good thing i am not a perfectionist...
i'm already a day behind...

but mainly because
yesterday
i felt the uncontrollable need
to do a wedding video
for one of the weddings i did this summer...

this song has just been gnawing at me...
use me, use me, use me...i'm so good...just use me...
so...here it is...
it was my first time, so a bit of a learning curve...
there are things i would do differently, i think, if i was doing it again...
for example, i used mostly the shots from the formal shots
but now that i think about it, i wish i would have used some
from the "dance" as well...
but here it is...


friday i'm in love...


warm wind and rain...pelting against the windows
warm house, good book, hot chocolate
soft couch, cinnamon candles

corn chowder for supper

still with the damien rice,
still obsessing over delicate
still getting chills each time i hear the first chords
of blowers daughter ...


Eleven putting on his "gaming" clothes
and telling us about how other people
just wear random clothes to play video games
but that he prefers to put on his specific gaming clothes.

the fact that Eleven's new favorite word
is whatnot.
he adds it to almost every sentence, somehow...

a new sense of calm,
of treaty
of tentative peace...
i'm not sure how long it will last
but i will take her hugs
and sporadic stories of dances
and teachers and b movies
while i can get them...