It’s been a while since I have
been here…
it’s not that I haven’t thought about it,
words whispering in my ear
when I am busy doing something else
but then when I think
I should sit down and write,
my brain goes blank
because nothing seems right….
in any or every way.
Loss is such a complicated mixed up place to be.
It is messy and uncharted…there is no map.
There is no key. No compass.
Because in it, you feel like you are flying blind,
every hairpin turn is unexpected,
some of the small hills end with a cliff…
the road signs are mixed up and meaningless.
So when it feels like you don’t know
which way you are going,
you are right.
You probably don’t know which way you are going.
Oh, and did I mention the fog?
I am hesitant on one hand
to say goodbye to 2025.
It is the last year I had my mom.
But also I hate 2025…
it is the year I lost my mom.
Goodbye 2025.
Some very good things happened this year
but they are gravely overshadowed by
The One Fucking Very Bad Thing
that happened this year.
I want to write about the happy things,
the trips, the time spent with family and friends,
the love, the laughter, the adventures
but
I can’t yet.
But I will.
Because I know what Mom would say.
and I take comfort in the one thing that I can.
They are together. They are together. They are together.
So, once again, this is not what I came here to say
but this is what came out
and so I will leave it at that.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you.
I wish all the best of things for us all
and an amazing, healing, happy 2026…
and if you are also trying to navigate this
land of loss and heartache, just know
you are not the only one flailing around in the fog…
and hoping that it will lift soon,
let a little sunshine back in.
💙💙💙
