The days are passing by...

The tree is down and out…
the presents are all put away…
the meat pie all eaten,
the Christmas specials all watched.

These are the days
that I look forward to now…
those limbo transient days
between the bustling busy-ness & stress of Christmas
and the quiet, introspective
silence of the days in between the old year
and the new.

This Christmas was a mix
of hard and soft,
good but sad,
present but also with one foot
in the past
missing our dad.

There is no way it could be anything else.
A teetering balance, a towering loss,
a tenuous hold on keeping it together.
There were new traditions made,
a tradition you would sooner not have to make…
visiting him somewhere you don’t want him to be….
you want him in his chair,
you want to hear him laughing and
calling your name when you walk in the room.

But the first Christmas without him is over now.

I have been rereading my journal from 2023
as I always do.
And I knew that this year would be hard to read.
Bittersweet. I’m glad that I journaled as much as I did.
I realize now how much it helped me
to work though things…even though I
did not feel prepared at the time…
you can’t be. There is no preparation.
There only is what there is.

But the journal helped.
Especially the little bits of gratefulness
scattered throughout it.

RANDOM THINGS I WAS GRATEFUL FOR - 2023 EDITION
(a sampling)

my red & white striped pjs
pineapple & ham on pizza
no water in basement
milk carton kids
sweater dresses
maple cookies
the crow and the clementine
pugs & cats sharing the same patch of sunlight
loud rumbly cars
dad’s good days
TMNT socks
the big orange house
my dad’s laugh/making my dad laugh (various versions of this)
lilacs
the chicken i saw crossing the road sunday
no headache
the flowers on the tree for one last season
baloney sandwiches
how dad resigned himself to the fact that i was not going to go home (she’s so stubborn)
his little jig
dad telling the lost paramedic story
emma’s tattoo for dad
soft crusty bread
motorcycle rides
making emma laugh
dad’s reaction to that room (and the couch that I could sleep on instead of a chair)
cozy girl playlist
me trying to light dad’s cigarette…and how hard we laughed
chickadees
surprise sesame street socks
salt sauna
hearing dad’s voice in videos
♥♥♥

boxing day bliss ♥

I hope you had the
merriest of
Christmases ♥

Over here, in the big orange house,
we ate lots of candy cane peanut butter balls,
opened gifts, teased each other a lot,
played “would you rather”
and a rousing game of scattergories
at my parents
with no discernible winner
but a lot of laughter and yelling…

countless cartoons and
christmas specials
were watched…

many mugs of
hot chocolate were made…
and I got this new grinchy mug from my girl
and a new grinchy soft blanket
from Santa…

someone got a new headband and wore it every chance possible even though
it usually caused a headache…heh.

meat pies were made and eaten…
and someone made a meat pie person
with striking similarities!!

I hope you had a great Christmas…
despite the restrictions and regulations and rules…
hopefully this is our last Christmas
trying to make the best of things…
and next Christmas really IS the best of things…

I am ready for 2022.

I love the idea of new beginnings
and fresh starts and blank slates…
big plans and ideas churning about
over here….

Merry, merry Christmas to your and yours…♥♥♥
happy happy holiday from our house of
chaos and confusion to yours.

there were times today when I thought....

that maybe…
this…
is enough….
that maybe
this
is all i need….

a walk in the park
on christmas eve,
my boots crunching in the snow,
the sun peeking through frosty trees…
ice forming on the pond,
my breath in the air.

a video call with old friends…
a little voice on the doorstep
yelling merry christmas as my brother and
his family pop by to say hello…
sarah mclachlan christmas songs on repeat…
21 and his friend fixed my brakes last night…
the presents are bought…
plans are made for who will go where when tomorrow...
sweet texts to say someone is thinking of you..
making the cashier laugh when picking up
last minute things…

and i catch myself thinking
maybe
this
is enough…

i am full of happy.

i hope that this
christmas eve
finds you
full of happy, too.
i know it’s a hard one…
a different one…
a challenge, for sure.

but i am letting go of what
i think should be, of what once was,
of what it used to be…
and accepting what is.

Happy Christmas Eve! ♥

boxing day bliss...♥♥♥

I know it probably seems like I don’t like Christmas
because I leave everything to the very last minute….
but…I actually love Christmas.

Not the shopping. I hate the shopping.

But I love Christmas day…the excitement
and wonder, the silliness and surprises…

And this year definitely did not disappoint.

Some highlights included:

♥ watching a muppet family christmas with a friend
WHO WAS SEEING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME!
(watch out for the icy patch! always makes me laugh)

♥ my mother in laws eagle brand squares

♥ knowing that the kids had a great time celebrating with both sides
of their family…that really does make me happy ♥♥

♥ 20 telling me not to look in my stocking when he left Christmas Eve…
this was what was in it….and I couldn’t have been more excited. Heeheehee

♥ 24 surprising me with a stocking full of toys and candy…a kinder egg as big as my head…
a charlie brown book, a little sesame street purse heehee…and this smurf quilt which almost made me cry

♥ going to my parents is always my favorite part of Christmas…
my mom saved the big bird ornament for me to put on (which was
even a little more bittersweet this year) and the doll head for 24…heehee

♥ my dads excitement over his new headlamp…heeheehee

♥ sweet unexpected gifts from my brothers & parents…gift cards, lots of candy, maritime hardcore hoodies, sweaters and scratch cards and this…heeheehee…

My brother Sandy is the real artist in our family…
I doodle a bit but Sandy really has the talent…and he made each of us
a drawing of one of our favorite childhood stories that we mainly tease
each other about…mine goes like this:

Once upon a time, a poor stressed out 16 year old girl who was
uncannily very amusing and witty and quite brilliant was forced to spend
her summers babysitting her 3 sometimes rotten younger brothers
for little pay and much pain.

After a hard day of slaving over a hot stove to provide a healthy nourishing lunch
to this little group of ungrateful heathens, one of them said he was still hungry.

Being the sweet, caring older sister that she was…
she offered him her spaghetti-o’s which she had not eaten yet.

But, being the rotten little sulk that he was, he turned up his little snub nose
at it because “she had a cold and he might catch it”.

So…she threw the plate at him.

The end.

heeheehee….he will tell you there is a different version
of this but his memory is not to be trusted. :)

……………………………………………………………….

And now…another Christmas is over…
and I am completely happy. ♥♥♥
I was able to spend it with people that I love…
and my heart is just really, really is full right now.

I am looking forward to 2020…
2019 had a few speed bumps but it’s sure out going out
better than it came in. ♥

Merry, merry Christmas to you and yours!

tuesday truths...

♥  it's funny the things you learn about yourself as you get older...
    like the annoying fact that you have super fragile sensitive to cold ears.
    and that not everybody else has this.
    it's like a super power
    but in reverse.
    anyway....the other night they ached so bad after walking home
    in the wind
    that i had to heat up the magic bag and
    take turns holding it against each ear
    while whimpering
    and googling with my free hand to see
    WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY DO MY EARS HURT SO BAD
    but...it's really a thing.
    it even has a name
    otalgia....
    which i was excited about until i realized
    it translates into mystery ear pain....
    that feels less than scientific
    and more like something i might have just made up.

♥    i love christmas...i really do.
     and it's funny because i think sometimes
     maybe i may come across as
     NOT loving christmas
     because i am constantly saying i don't care about it...
     but it's not christmas i don't care about...
     it's the things we sometimes get trapped into thinking we HAVE to do...
     we have to buy gifts, we have to visit, we have to be social, we have to decorate...
     well.  damn it.  no, i don't.
     i'll buy gifts but only cause i want to and i am seriously not going to stress
     about whether or not the recipient likes it because...
     wouldn't that be kind of ungrateful to not like someone's gift?
     it'd be like the time my mom got me the shirt i really really really
     wanted for easter...
     {remember those white dress shirts with the tails...
     that you wore with your stirrup pants...
     and your lace hair ties...and madonna bracelets....
     (yeah...i was an eighties kid...why do you ask?)
     and so she got me one and I WAS SO EXCITED
     and then i held it up and there was a handpainted tiger on the back.
     heh.
     an extra large handpainted tiger.
     anyway...i didn't say i didn't like but she read it on my face
     and returned it and got me a plain-white-won't-stand-out-in-a-crowd-of-
     vicious-snarly-teenage-girls
     cause-then-i'll-be-just-like-everyone-else
     and this story totally DOES NOT PROVE my point.
    
     my point is...i love christmas...i love seeing my family,
     watching every christmas show i can cram in,
     fighting with my kids & husband over who is putting the sesame street
     christmas ornaments on the tree (well...i mean really though...they are MINE)....
     telling the kids they can't come down in the morning
     until we light the furnace (it's oil)(haha)...
     car karaoke on the drive home from Ch'town Christmas Eve with the 4 of us singing
     total eclipse of the heart at the top of our lungs...
     putting plaid pajamas on the pug...sneaking meat pie with stirling while wrapping presents...
     my dad chasing me around the house with the turkey neck...

     i like the silly things....the little moments...the laugh until you think
     you are really going to throw up moments...that's how you define hallmark for me.

♥     i really shouldn't do these blog posts
       stream of conscious....
       i never know where it's going to go...
       seriously.
       i am as surprised as you are.
       heehee.