sponge.

I don’t know if I am going
through a bit of a cycle of some sort
but I feel like a thirsty, dry sponge
who just can’t get enough
of everything…
books
movies
music
real conversations
podcasts
interviews
documentaries
blogs
articles
nature
I just want to
keep absorbing
and connecting
and feeding the sponge monster
who is gobbling it up
and then saying
more…
give me MORE.

things are resonating
and clicking
and whirring like gears
and click-clacky clockwork…

i like this feeling.

the truth is
i am going to try to come
back to the blog more…
for no other reason
other than it is has always proven
to be a source of creativity for me.

i may, however, not always share the
link to new posts on other social media.
i haven’t decided that yet.
when i first started this blog,
it was a bit of a secret club
and mostly, i was the only member. :)
and while i have enjoyed sharing it,
i also catch myself censoring myself on it now…
because…it feels…different
to be so open and
it feels…
scary
sometimes.

though sometimes
i think why do i let it scare me.
why is it hard to be open,
to be vulnerable…
to let go.

but whatever i decide,
you know where to find me
if you are interested in seeing
what muddled thoughts are being shared
over here. :)

happy saturday!!
we are almost all the way
through january….
spring is just a hop-skip-and-a-jump away!
:)

funny how little it takes to change your mindset (also....cursing ahead, sorry mom)

It’s funny how little it takes to
rearrange your mindset sometimes
and turn what started as an icky day
into a fantastic day…

I felt a little sad this morning
thinking about made up malarkey holidays
and more because sometimes I am shocked
that I have gone this long
alone
since my marriage ended and for a moment,
I will admit I was a bit sad,
a little bit what is wrong with me
am I broken and if so, how broken am I…
and also….will I ever be fixed?

and then I thought of the last couple of years
of marriage where I started to think that I was
literally going crazy, wondering if I was losing my mind,
checking his phone, wondering if he was really where he said he was,
second guessing him, second and triple and quadruple guessing myself…
only to find out in the end my suspicions were
actually right…
I can’t tell explain the hell that is.
To wonder all the time. To not know what is real,
what is true, what is honest, your gut screaming at you to see the truth
but your heart covering your eyes and saying
look away…you don’t want to see this.
you know it’s true but you don’t want to know it.

and then you do.
you know it.
and you can never un-know it.

and once I remembered what that felt like…
I was like…
fuck that. :)

I am soooooo incredibly happy on my own.
That’s not broken. That’s healing.
That’s growth. That’s fucking powerful and electric and
full on laugh out loud joy and security in myself.

I spent about 5 years writing
I just want to be
truly happy and secure
in my journal.

and the truth is
now
I am.

(And this is, in no way, a slight or attack on my ex husband.
The fact that he cheated is not a secret.
There is no one that could be angrier at him than he is
at himself for what he did. This is not about what he did,
this is only to say how I felt…those are 2 different things, I believe.)

All this is to say that after I had that
magical little shift of mindset,
I saw an eagle circling right above my house.
I made chicken breasts with lots of brown sugar and pepper
and a delicious salad for supper and
watch rom-coms turned really loud just how I like them.
I had bubble gum pop shoppe pop.
I ordered new pjs and socks.
I went to the mall and
was my own frigging valentine… ♥

and then my sweet girl
surprised me with an awesome present
with unicorn face masks and chicken bones and
toys and cinnamon hearts!!!

and then I came here
and saw I HAVE 3 COMMENTS ON
YESTERDAY’S BLOG POST!!!!

What a frigging great day!!!!! ♥

Wherever you are, I hope you are having a great frigging day, too.
And if you are with someone you love, make sure they know it…
that they feel secure and happy….cause….that’s important, I think.

deep sunday thoughts...a tiny confession...and one bad word

I keep thinking I am going to get
to this page more…
and then I don’t.

I trip, I stumble,
I post 3 times in a row…
I don’t post for a month.

I write posts in my head
but they don’t make it to the keyboard….
they leak out of my brain
along with payments due
and grocery lists and
lyrics I thought I would always remember.

Age is a funny thing.

I never cared much about my age…
I always felt younger than what the numbers
on my license add up to…
but lately, I see changes I don’t like…
a flabby neck, weight that gathers quicker
and stays longer, deep lined creases
that go beyond smile lines.

And mostly….I am ok with that.
Mostly I am ok with me.

But some days, I feel an inkling of fear,
trailing me, tracking me…
whispering what if you are always alone….
or is that what you really want?

(and I don’t know the answer)

52 is starting to feel like
the awkwardness of 15 again.

I don’t know how to dress my age,
I don’t know how to be me anymore,
I don’t know what this me is supposed to look like.
I don’t know what she wants to look like
because she is fickle and undecided and
happy as can be and yet painfully lonely,
content and positive but scared as hell in the middle of the night….
some days she wants to move to the country,
get some power tools, dress only in overalls
and let her hair get as long and tangly as it wants
while she goes around with dirty bare feet
and paints everything purple
and polka dotted.

And some days, she wants to drive away from everything
and cover the rear view mirror with thick black paint
so she can never look back.

52 is a funny age.
Maybe even more so
when one is alone
and the decisions are
not driven by anyone else….

I am driving my own ship…
I chart the waters, I choose the direction…
I can push it forward,
or I can run it aground…

Either way….it’s all on me.

That’s both liberating…
and fucking terrifying.

Anyway, once more…not what I came here to write
but these are the words that came out
so I share them
just in case someone out there
might be able to relate.
*waving hello & yelling “we got this!” if you are in this boat too.

maybe none of us are alone

or maybe….we all are.
♥

tuesday truths...

• the truth is i have a home energy assessment thing
  scheduled for today
  and i am full of nervous anxiety…
  you forget what your house
  might look like to others,
  that don’t know you…
  that don’t know your story.
  it’s the broken-down ramp,
  the sketchy doors,
  the trimless upstairs windows,
  my well intentioned but somewhat sad
  attempts at spray foam,
  my clay basement,
  my muddy messy yard,
  my christmas tree still on the deck…
  not to mention the living room
  of smurfs, robots and
  hopeful vision boards.

• the truth is
  i feel like i move backwards
  almost as much as
  i move forward sometimes…
  i feel like sometimes
  after a big step forward,
  i am frozen for a bit.
  but i think that’s ok.
  it’s like finding your balance….
  it’s ok to rest a moment,
  get your bearings,
  reset your course if you have to…
  take a breath.
  stand still.

• the truth is
  it’s hard to push yourself
  out of your comfort zone
  but once you do it…
  it’s kinda freeing.
  exhilarating.
  yesterday i wanted to cancel
  this assessment…
  i wanted to cry…sulk…kick things…
  i was mad at myself for booking it…
  but i know
  that when it is over,
  i will feel so much better that i did it,
  whether it helps me or not financially,
  at least it’s done.
  :)

• the truth is
  i tend to turn
  little things
  into
  big things.
  heh.
  

there were times today when I thought....

that maybe…
this…
is enough….
that maybe
this
is all i need….

a walk in the park
on christmas eve,
my boots crunching in the snow,
the sun peeking through frosty trees…
ice forming on the pond,
my breath in the air.

a video call with old friends…
a little voice on the doorstep
yelling merry christmas as my brother and
his family pop by to say hello…
sarah mclachlan christmas songs on repeat…
21 and his friend fixed my brakes last night…
the presents are bought…
plans are made for who will go where when tomorrow...
sweet texts to say someone is thinking of you..
making the cashier laugh when picking up
last minute things…

and i catch myself thinking
maybe
this
is enough…

i am full of happy.

i hope that this
christmas eve
finds you
full of happy, too.
i know it’s a hard one…
a different one…
a challenge, for sure.

but i am letting go of what
i think should be, of what once was,
of what it used to be…
and accepting what is.

Happy Christmas Eve! ♥