is the excitement and anticipation
of the fact that someone has
finally
offered to take your kids for
not just one
but two nights...
a two night sleepover
with their aunt whom you totally trust
so you know you can hand
them over willingly
with the promises of "be good"
and "you know you aren't allowed to go anywhere
without an adult...you can't walk to the park
with just your cousin"
and "be good"
and "i love you"
and kisses on the cheek's...

and then off they go.

and suddenly
the house seems deafeningly
silent
even though there are still four children in it
but those
are not
my
four...
not my "six" and my "ten"...
those voices not their voices...
that laughter is not their laughter...

and in the pit of my stomach
i feel an ache
and a sadness
and a loneliness
that i cannot describe
accurately.

no one ever told me
that
it was going to be
like this
forever...