the truth is
i'm feeling a little down today.

the truth is
sometimes
i feel like i have got it all goin' on...
i have got it all under control
and i feel powerful and confident,
competent and strong.

the truth is
sometimes
one small thing
can happen
(in this case, maybe two)
(and maybe not that small...maybe kind of big)
(maybe kind of fucking hit me straight in the face
like a brick wall big because i had been going along
thinking that everything was good,
school was getting out, the kids are healthy and happy,
no more phone calls telling me that gym clothes were forgotten
or that anyone was getting expelled for smoking on school grounds)

and then this.
(which my rational mind
tells me is typical teenage behaviour
and did we not all do the same, make the same bad choices
and you should know they are going to make bad choices
but fucking fucking fuck
why
is
this
part of parenting
so bloody hard).

this is not what i came here to write.
i came here to write about tomato plants on the deck
and starting inner excavation again...
to post pretty pictures
and paint my life as perfectly ok.

but it's not.
not always.
and that is perfectly ok, too.

they are going to make mistakes.
sometimes they will be big ones.
it is what happens after that
that counts.
whether they repeat the same mistakes.
whether they learn from them.
that's what matters.

that
and that they know that we love them unconditionally.
which we do.
(that's what makes this part of parenting so bloody hard).