so yeah….that looks pretty bad…
goal is 40 and i am at SEVEN!
but the truth is
i am actually at 32….
i have just been really bad at posting
because…well…you know….
there were other things happening.
and the truth also is that
i still feel broken and raw and
too-touchy-to-touch…
i should have a sign that says
“will smile at you but
do not approach too close,
will also bite your hand off.”
i know that no one knows the right thing to say
when you lose someone and that
everyone is trying their best
but i can only speak for myself when i say
for me specifically, it’s best not to say anything at all.
i know that you know. ♥
and i know that you are sorry for my loss. ♥
but as soon as i hear those words,
i don’t know what to say, i am mumbling things
& shrugging my shoulders and looking away…
and it gets incredibly awkward.
for you and for me.
so let me save you from that. :)
if you see me out, please don’t feel you have to say anything…
i promise i will know, i will understand,
and honestly, my heart will thank you for that.
i met up with 2 old friends yesterday by chance
in the sauna…and my first thought was
it’s going to happen again….
(and i am going to be crying in the parking lot)
but it didn’t. ♥
instead they let me wonder out loud
about the possibilities of the door jamming shut
and suffocating us all (while reassuring me that wouldn’t happen)
and we talked about yoga and wellness
and i knew that underneath, they were telling me
they were sorry…but that silent sorry meant so much to me.
(and please don’t think i am saying that
this is the right approach for everyone…
i only know what is right for me…
and nobody knows this if I don’t tell them so…)
and also if you have seen me out and said anything
PLEASE DON’T FEEL BAD. that is SO not my intention.
you didn’t know…cause how does anyone know what
anyone wants in a time like this.
it’s such an emotionally charged time.
i am prone to taking everything the wrong way.
if you say i’m strong, or that i’m handling it well,
i will hear that it looks like i don’t even care that he died.
AND I KNOW THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEAN
but did i mention my brain is super effing glitchy right now?
again. better just to not talk to me until spring…
like a bear in hibernation. Haha.
Or talk to me about smurfs or sesame street or
oh gawd, did you watch love is blind
which is the worst trainwreck of a show but
yeah!!! i will definitely talk about how much i loved Milton
and couldn’t stand Stacey. Hahaha.
ANYWAY. One more version of a
not what I came here to say blog post.
please bear with me…my brain is glitchy.
What I wanted to say was:
Book #7 - Whiskey in a Teacup - Reese Witherspoon
♥♥♥♥ out of 5 hearts
The note I wrote about this book:
"Pretty pictures and I just like Reese. Sue me."
and one last note…
for anyone that has sent me messages
about dad or about their own loss…yes!
This I can do. I am better in type.
And I can choose when and where to read it…
and there is no need for me to respond right away.
There. Now I’m done. For real. Unless you wanna talk about love is blind…cause….I’m game for that! :D
