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popcorn for supper
diet coke on the side
tammy wynette and patsy cline quiet in the background
otherwise
a silent house
while the kittens sleep
and the pug lays under my feet
snorting and sighing.
strains of guitar
and a blue haired girl singing
daylight savings time
is catching up with me
is slowing me down
making me want to build
blanket forts and read
books by flashlight
i had a meeting today with some very nice people about possible
studio space...
and i feel like i blew it.
like i hmmm'd and hawww'd...
i stuttered and flustered...
i think at best i came across as
ill equipped, uncertain and
somewhat flaky.
i keep thinking about the conversation,
running it around in my head in a loop...
what did i say-why did i say that-why didn't i say this
but there was a pivotal moment for me
when i was asked
what do you want to do?
everything.
that's what i said.
everything.
and the more i think about it,
the more i think
i could not have said anything more
true.
but maybe i should have elaborated...
what could i have said...
i want to
take photos of toys and leaves and rocks and pugs and eggs and broken melting popsicles...
build a robot out of yarn and sticks and saran wrap and glitter
write a story for kids
write a story for grown ups
doodle
build a fairy house
create a miniature city
have grown up coloring parties
create paper dolls with intricate outfits and fancy names
make sock puppets
make a cartoon
build a life size flying saucer
make a paper mache T-rex named fred
sticker and glue and cut and paste and melt and sew and tack and tear and play.
play.
i want to play.
this seemed to be the most fitting photo to go with this post if i am trying to convince you that i might be a little on the flaky-over-excited-about-a dirt-road-wants-to-build-a-T-rex-odd side.
Please picture me saying "DO YOU SEE THIS DIRT ROAD BEHIND ME???" cause...that's what was happening. :)
and then part of me thinks...you know what...
maybe you shouldn't say all that.
maybe everything...
by itself...
was enough.
:)
here i am
hoping against hope
that i am not the only one
that finds myself feeling this way.
scared...panicky...short of breath
for a thousand different reasons
but no specific reason in particular...
feelings of guilt that i am not doing enough,
not fast enough, not quick enough, not enough-enough.
{you're not walking enough anymore that bill is late you should be further ahead in editing why does your hair look so stupid where is 16's backpack we NEED to get groceries but first i have to clean out the fridge the car needs an oil change i should make an appointment for a physical oh right 16 needs an eye appointment i have to get those photos printed what the hell how do i have 32 emails again there's nothing to make for supper i have to get groceries take out again you're not walking/reading/writing/blogging/seeing friends or family enough anymore}
my scittery-scattery brain jumping and running
and leaping from one thought to another
in giant run on sentences...
i have to...i should have...i will...i must...i need to...
this bill and that email,
which commitment and what to-do list.
my days are full...like...full...
and full of good stuff, don't get me wrong...
kittens...and pugs...and fall leaves...and laughing
snuggles and shared stories and haunted barns
and corn chowder...
but i feel like lately
"you are doing the best that you can"
is my mantra....my slogan...my little bit of truth.
i am doing the best that i can.
and that's all that i can do.
other than let go....
i could learn to let go.
let go of the fear of disappointing others,
of being judged...of not meeting expectations
when you don't even know what the expectations are...
let go. breathe. and go watch the kittens battle each other
while the pug tries to inhale them but only ends up
sneezing on them which makes the girl with the
blue green hair giggle and the boy who
just turned 16 can't pass the kittens
without stopping to snuggle them...
things are good...things are fine...
that guy that you married...the one that always knows
just what to say when you get like this...(cause you always get like this)
will tell you
"you're doing the best that you can".
and that's ok.
cinderella...specifically nobody's fool
cold popcorn with lots of butter and salt,
but you have to promise to scrape each kernel
against the bottom of the bowl
to capture as much salty buttery goodness as you can.
vhs tapes of videos recorded straight from
good rockin' tonight and video hits....
lots and lots and LOTS of bon jovi
specifically living on a prayer
and you give love a bad name...
it is imperative that you screech shrilly when he scrunches his nose
and shakes his hair.
a little billy idol, a little love removal machine
and some ac dc because i can give as well as take.
there will kool aid and turpentine (but we don't suggest you drink it)
and a Kraft homemade pizza that i will pick the meat off
to offer to highest bidder...
later in the day, we should take a walk,
up this road and back....to her house and back to mine...
singing.
at the top of our lungs.
it occurred to me recently
that when you have lived on the same island, same province,
same town even...pretty much your whole life...
it affects you.
every walk that i take, every drive,
every left turn,
every right...
i am every age that i have ever been.
on one street, i am 5 waiting for dad to get home from work,
i am 10 buying cigarettes (export a) for my parents and penny candy
at the store across the street,
i am 15 walking with her to burger king, waiting to go to the show...
every street holds a memory
and the capacity to instantly transport me
by a smell, a slant of light, a sound so vague & familiar at once.
it's a funny thing.
anyway, i'm wordy and quiet all at once tonight.
tomorrow is her birthday...
on the way back from our beach, i stopped by to see her...
i rolled the car window and played bon jovi loud...
i found a dead frog and for a second i thought,
i am always looking for a sign...how warped would that be
if you sent me a sign by leaving a dead frog in my path
that instantly reminded me of the time that Davis threw the dead frog
at the men working on the road...and then we took the tires
off his bike and threw them in the field behind my house...heeheehee...remember?
{you wouldn't really send me a dead frog for a sign...would you?}
:)
the heart shaped rock i gave you last year
was still there....
but the wildflowers must have blown away.
this makes me happy...this is how i feel...this is how i want to feel...this is what i want to believe.
the truth is...
over here, it's not always sunshine and lollipops
and painting rocks to look like toadstools...
i know that's the picture i want to paint,
that it's always pug hugs and belly laughs in the big orange house...
and most of the time it is...
:)
but sometimes, it's not.
sometimes it's stress and deadlines and worry
about the things that are out of your control...
sometimes it's the spinning plates that normally make you
intensely happy
but that also have the capacity to shatter you
when they start to fall...
sometimes it's the realization that only disney mice are cute...
that one little bastard that keeps getting away?
you hate that creepy crawly little jerk with a passion
you didn't know you had....
sometimes it's the frustration of waiting for something
that you think is going to be the fix to all of your problems
only to find out that it is not going to happen as soon as you thought
and now is the time to dig out that back up plan
that you wrote on a napkin in secret code
and hope you remember how to decipher it....
but at the same time...
it is also remembering that these are only blips...
money comes...money goes...
blip.
no, the lilac tree didn't flower but there's a new bleeding heart
you weren't expecting and hostas that a sweet friend
gifted you with...
it's focusing on just doing what you can do...
breathing deep and letting go...
finding something to laugh hard at every day
(even if it is that the damned kamikaze mouse fell
on your daughter while she was sitting on stairs....)
it's being kinder to everyone around you
because it rings true to you to remember that
everyone has their own story going on behind the scenes
and it doesn't cost
anything
to be kind.
it's knowing that you have been here before,
chances are, you will be here again...
and remembering the little piece of truth your mom always told you
"things are always better in the morning".
“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut. ”
