my birthday grrrrrl....

happy birthday to my sweet new 14 year old girl...

there are things i want to write
like how 13 has been a test for both of us...
how major milestones have come along...
how things change and waver and the
lines i drew so firmly around you
when you were younger
now seem to be drawn in sand...
they can be erased, they can be moved
i realize now they cannot be set in stone...

not if i want you to grow.

i could write about how hard that part is for me...
the letting you grow part....
how i wish sometimes i could keep you
with me...
laying on the couch in front of me,
happy to be watching big comfy couch
and franklin
with my arm over you...
reassurance for both of us.

but...
at the same time
you amaze me with your tenacity,
your will and ways of thinking...
you are brilliant and creative and funny...
sweet and kind and caring...
you look out for your brother
{though you would pretend not to...}
and you look out for your friends...
you are smart and mature and
i trust you.

what more could i ask?

happy birthday to
my 80's lovin', picnik-addicted, mr noodle-eatin',
horror-movie-junkie, full of wise cracks and
dripping with sarcasm & yet can surprise you
with unexpected sweetness...

i wouldn't change a thing about you.

xo

admissions and various states of undress....{tuesday truths}

with the last weeks of summer
coming in
and all of them marked with
places to be and things to do
i am feeling a little panicky
that my summer is going to be over
before i know it
and will i be convinced that i have
spent it in the best possible way?

i feel like a bouncy ball...
when i am up
i am full of energy and ideas,
going to deep clean the house!
buy the kids school supplies early!
make sure all the bills are paid in time!
get husband's business in control paperwork-wise!
make a menu plan!
lose weight!
knit! sew a quilt! write a book! take more pictures!

but when the ball hits the ground,
it hits hard...
the house is overwhelmingly messy,
i don't know where to start...
money sucks...
everything is overwhelming
and each overwhelming thing
connects to another leaving me
floundering and wandering from
one half-hearted attempt
to another
in the end
feeling like i have accomplished
nothing.

i like the days that i'm up
much more
than the days that i'm
down.

where i was at wednesday...

it has been 18 years today.

18 years ago.

this blows my mind
for lack of more eloquent words
to express myself...

i think of you
and i am a kid again...
you and i climbing the rocks
at the beach...
writing love notes in red lipstick...
calling each other by aliases we wished our
names really were...andi and jade...
eating cold popcorn and watching purple rain...
singing the lyrics to every bon jovi video
in time with "the moves" we had down pat...

i miss you i miss you i miss you.

i wonder today
if things were different,
if bad things didn't happen,
if redneck idiots didn't get behind
the steering wheel of corvettes
when they have had too much to drink...
if things were different,
how would we be today...
would we call each other everyday?
would you have stayed here...would i?

you were going to paint your house red
and i was going to paint my house purple
and we were going to live next door to each other.

and we would both drive a fiaro.

i went to our beach today
and stood out on a rock rough with the
skeletons of snails
against my bare feet
and i talked to you out loud.

where are you.
i am here.
where are you.

and i waited for some sign.
some symbol.
other people get dragonflies,
little birds they recognize,
rainbows, fireflies, where was my sign...
where are you.

i dreamt about you two nights ago.
and in this dream, as always, you were back
from somewhere far away
and i was happy and relieved and excited
but when i called
you couldn't {wouldn't} see me.

is that a sign.

it that my sign?

what is it...
what does it mean.

i stood on that rock and i stared at the horizon
at the border
at the edge of the world
watery and gray...
and i waited for an answer.

instead
i found a heart shaped rock
crooked and ill formed
in the sand
and i brought it to you
with 3 orange flowers that i stole
from the yard
next to the church...
i wrote you a note
promised you eternal memory
and twisted it into a ribbon
to tie around the stolen flowers
and left you my heart
crooked
and ill formed.

all
and
nothing.

august?

august already...

i did not mean to take an almost week long break...
but we have had some real
honest to island beach weather
and i have been taking advantage of it.

i have been breathing in salt air
and getting sand between my toes
listening to the waves lap
against the shore
and the muted voices of kids
building sandcastles in the distance....

and i think that in august
i am going to try to do more of this...
this being present in the moment,
this taking advantage of the
slow lifestyle i currently have
with being off work and the kids
being out of school...
i'm going to take each day as it comes
and
perfect
my tan...

cause who knows,
it could all change tomorrow.

xo