it has been 18 years today.

18 years ago.

this blows my mind
for lack of more eloquent words
to express myself...

i think of you
and i am a kid again...
you and i climbing the rocks
at the beach...
writing love notes in red lipstick...
calling each other by aliases we wished our
names really were...andi and jade...
eating cold popcorn and watching purple rain...
singing the lyrics to every bon jovi video
in time with "the moves" we had down pat...

i miss you i miss you i miss you.

i wonder today
if things were different,
if bad things didn't happen,
if redneck idiots didn't get behind
the steering wheel of corvettes
when they have had too much to drink...
if things were different,
how would we be today...
would we call each other everyday?
would you have stayed here...would i?

you were going to paint your house red
and i was going to paint my house purple
and we were going to live next door to each other.

and we would both drive a fiaro.

i went to our beach today
and stood out on a rock rough with the
skeletons of snails
against my bare feet
and i talked to you out loud.

where are you.
i am here.
where are you.

and i waited for some sign.
some symbol.
other people get dragonflies,
little birds they recognize,
rainbows, fireflies, where was my sign...
where are you.

i dreamt about you two nights ago.
and in this dream, as always, you were back
from somewhere far away
and i was happy and relieved and excited
but when i called
you couldn't {wouldn't} see me.

is that a sign.

it that my sign?

what is it...
what does it mean.

i stood on that rock and i stared at the horizon
at the border
at the edge of the world
watery and gray...
and i waited for an answer.

instead
i found a heart shaped rock
crooked and ill formed
in the sand
and i brought it to you
with 3 orange flowers that i stole
from the yard
next to the church...
i wrote you a note
promised you eternal memory
and twisted it into a ribbon
to tie around the stolen flowers
and left you my heart
crooked
and ill formed.

all
and
nothing.