saturday and it's snowing again

in my corner of the world::

a little bit of snow but calling for warm temperatures the rest of the week
so i'm ok with that.

i posted this status on facebook last night

remember when you were a kid and you would just lay on your bedroom floor and listen to your mixed tapes really loud and sing along even though you really couldn't sing very well (or..at all) but you lived in the country so no one could hear you but your family and they loved you anyway...and it would get dark outside and instead of turning a light on, you would just watch the equalizer on the ghettoblaster light up...that's what i feel like doing tonight.

and i was completely surprised by the response it got...
and even more so...
that 90% of the likes were from girls.
did boys not sing along with the radio?

my girl did a "like for TBH" on facebook...
if you have teens or pre-teens, you will know that this means
like the status and get a response that starts with "to be honest"...

to be honest, i was not expecting a tbh back from her.
to be honest, the tbh i did get back almost made me cry.

Tbh; you're a weird, quirky, muppet/sesame street/dr seuss/smurf loving woman. You've given me some pretty cool qualities; wicked sarcasm, being able to be a hard ass when I need to, strength, a cynical sense of humor, and mega creativity. You've also given me some not so rad ones; like that whole weird person magnet thing, and getting myself into totally weird and awkward situations, but that usually makes for a good story afterwards so I suppose that's okay.  

 

Getting it done.

where have i been?



I have been getting it done.

I have tasks that I have been putting off for far too long
and it has
really
really
really
been weighing me down.

Over the past couple of weeks,
I have been working on those tasks,
breaking them down into smaller
bite sized chunks
and
forcing
myself
to get it done.

Every day I am a little closer to the end.
Every day I feel just a little bit lighter.

I am crossing things off my to do list...
I am trying to get headaches under control...
seeing my dr...scheduling physio...maybe a naturopath...acupunture...yoga...
something has got to give.
or i will.

So that's where I have been...
that and laying low while the lull from wedding photography
and editing is here...as soon enough, it will be full speed ahead again
and I will be back to logging many hours in front of the computer...

But for now, I'm content to catch up on some:
  • reading...after reading the goldfinch and being mildly unsatisfied with it, I picked up a lighter, quicker read next.  I read Divergent (which is pretty much a teen novel similar to Hunger Games) and could. not. put. it. down.  I am on the second in the series now...but starting to lose interest.
  • watching....i have started watching the Parenthood series and am kind of loving it.  I am on season one right now and I know I have watched some of these before but I am enjoying them all over again.  And even better is that I have kind of sucked my 18 year old daughter into watching them, too...it is nice to have something to watch with her that doesn't require me to either cover my eyes due to gore or to blush profusely due to crude sex jokes.  
  • coveting...these boots...do you see these boots?  i need these boots.  drool.
  • considering new hair....wishing i could afford a new look....



sunday best...and a bit of a rotten day....

feeling a little off this morning...
had a rough day yesterday
after a stressful morning
involving 3 am incoherent texts
and a bruise that should never have happened

it is hard to know where to step in
where to draw lines
what decisions are mine
and which ones are hers to make.

it is hard to separate my own past experiences
from hers,
i know that i am filtering what happened
to her
and mixing it up with old memories of how i felt
when it happened to me

and i can't do that.
this is not what happened to me.
this is what happened to her.
she is not me.
she is so much stronger and mouthier and sure of herself.
i was so quiet and apologetic and forgiving and passive.

i need to be here for her no matter what
but i can't make this decision for her.
i cannot tell her she can't see him anymore.
she is not me.
she will make better decisions than i did, i think.
but even i eventually had enough.
but each person has to decide
what
is enough
for them.

had my parents known, had they tried to step in,
it would have changed nothing.
i was determined that it was ok, that it was my fault,
that if i could just "be better"...
less whiny, less crying, less taking things to heart,
more organized, more fun, more aware of the triggers that might set him off...
then this wouldn't happen.
if i could "be better" things would get better.

but eventually,
it was enough.
but i had to figure that out in my own time.
anyway.
not what i meant to write here today.
:)

a little bit of sunday best...







and so this was christmas...

come and gone in the blink of an eye...

things that i think will stand out for me
as marking Christmas 2013 as the year that:
  • my mom got a smart phone...i LOVE being able to text my mom now...and trying to convince my dad that he should be next.  i am such a pusher.  
  • i was blown away by how much easier a larger monitor is going to make editing for me.  I never realized that having a wider monitor would work SO much better for lightroom...and i am loving it.  Especially since i had been feeling a little down about editing...overwhelmed and tired and stressed...but having a new toy definitely perked me up!
  • i realized that although Christmas will change every year that the kids get older, it doesn't have to be upsetting.  Coming to terms with the fact that yes, they both left to go to friend's and boyfriend's after we got home on Christmas day and suddenly the house was quiet and still...and yes, I had to wake them up Christmas morning instead of them waking us...but there were other things to hold onto.  The fact that they bring up the traditions we have always done (never even intending to make them traditions), but they have become unintentional traditions to them.  To watch the ease in which they navigate the various family homes we visited, so comfortable and adult...drinking coffee, making small talk...i stare in wonder....when did this happen?  and inside, i smile.
  • i committed to just letting Christmas happen.  We didn't have much money (we never do, heh) but less this year with my husband not working because of the accident and some additional bills...but we still got by (as we always do) and i just let go of any expectations...and it was good.  It was better than good.
  • that Dee Snider favorited a tweet that I shared about 18 who has been a crazy-obsessed fan of his since she was about 5...and how 18 just about cried when i showed her...:)
And now, we are on to January...
on to all of my favorite things...
from here on out the days get longer instead of shorter...
new year's resolutions....
no photo sessions or weddings for a little bit,
a chance to recharge my very-burnt-out batteries....
i am looking forward to planning and making lists
and maybe a little scribbling...
to taking some photos for me again...
to trying a new recipe, to getting back to the gym


to finding some much needed BALANCE in my life.
i did not have to think about my word for 2014
at all.
it hit me in the face like a hammer.
it has been screaming in my ear.
it has been following me, stalking me, nudging me, poking me...
because
i
really.
really.
really.
need it.

and i feel good about it....i know how desperately i need it...
i didn't choose it...
it chose me.

happy holidays to you and yours!
bring on 2014, I am ready!