friday i'm in love... (& where i pause for a short station identification break)

i have not been here in a while...
life
has been busy...
hectic...
a little downright crazy
between work and weddings,
editing and driver's licenses and signing forms...
planning for thanksgiving
and birthday parties for an almost 17 year old
grad photos
and answering emails...
life has been
busy.

but fall is here
and with it,
i always feel a renewed sense
of creativity mixed with a strong need for
some very serious
down time...
i'm almost at the end of
my wedding season
(my last wedding season, though that
still seems weird to say)
and the chill in the air
makes me want to curl up with books and movies and new music
hot chocolate
and fuzzy slippers
and hibernate
for a bit.

{winter is my true introvert season
but it starts off gradually in the fall...
there are signs...and symptoms...}

but it's friday and i'm in love with all of these good things -

sunday best...and a bit of a rotten day....

feeling a little off this morning...
had a rough day yesterday
after a stressful morning
involving 3 am incoherent texts
and a bruise that should never have happened

it is hard to know where to step in
where to draw lines
what decisions are mine
and which ones are hers to make.

it is hard to separate my own past experiences
from hers,
i know that i am filtering what happened
to her
and mixing it up with old memories of how i felt
when it happened to me

and i can't do that.
this is not what happened to me.
this is what happened to her.
she is not me.
she is so much stronger and mouthier and sure of herself.
i was so quiet and apologetic and forgiving and passive.

i need to be here for her no matter what
but i can't make this decision for her.
i cannot tell her she can't see him anymore.
she is not me.
she will make better decisions than i did, i think.
but even i eventually had enough.
but each person has to decide
what
is enough
for them.

had my parents known, had they tried to step in,
it would have changed nothing.
i was determined that it was ok, that it was my fault,
that if i could just "be better"...
less whiny, less crying, less taking things to heart,
more organized, more fun, more aware of the triggers that might set him off...
then this wouldn't happen.
if i could "be better" things would get better.

but eventually,
it was enough.
but i had to figure that out in my own time.
anyway.
not what i meant to write here today.
:)

a little bit of sunday best...







today i will



  • take a walk because the sun is shining and i don't want to miss it
  • make a list of all the things that need to be done
  • tidy up my studio so i start using it again!

  • finish editing the family photos
  • keep cleaning out the last 3 years worth of photos that are sitting in my computer right now as both originals and edits and taking up valuable much needed space
  • make a meal plan for this week
  • finish the laundry
  • find some time to read at least a little more of this book...which i was totally surprised that i could not put down...so good
  •  take one photo
  • put chicken in slow cooker for sandwiches this week
  • at least 15 minutes of yoga
  • daydream about last summer by looking at the photos i posted here today. 
now...i had better get busy :)

making a decision...

it is no secret
that i adore
liz lamoreux
{with almost stalker-like proportions of adoration...but anyway.}
when looking for a word for 2013
she suggested the prompt of "2013 was the year I..."
which i did
and this is a bit of what i found::

~2013 was the year that i wrote.  it was the year that i published at least one thing.  it was the year that i committed to writing.  that i took it seriously.  that i admitted out loud that i am writer--regardless of proportion.  it was the year that i really tried.  it was the year that i stopped stalling.

~2013 was the year that i felt best about myself.  that i stopped hiding behind pajama pants and baggy shirts.  that i committed to eating better.  to using the gym membership and being ok with looking out of place and feeling uncomfortable in the gym.

~2013 was the i lived with intention regarding my family...that i listened and really heard...that i made time...that i remembered how quickly things can change.  it was the year i let go of preconceived expectations and just loved them for them...not the school's opinion, the public's opinion, other family members' opinions--just for who i know them to be.

~2013 was the year i pushed myself to be more social, the year i pushed myself out of my hermit hole.

~2013 was the year we addressed our money issues head on and stopped hiding our heads in the sand.

~2013 was the year we seriously considered what would be necessary to make our dream of living in the country come true.

~2013 was the year that i dressed like me again.

~2013 was the year that i did an art show at a new venue.

and in the end, it became apparent that brave would work for me...
which had been in the back of my mind but this list really helped confirm it for me.
it just feels right.