belated


on my father's birthday
i grew a 3 dimensional tunnel out of paper,
planted jellybeans and grew dandelions as tall as the sun
i took off my socks
and walked barefeet
into the snow...

i built windwills in my mind
out of sleds and a couple of sticks

i made a seesaw that
went up and down
and spun
round and round

i skated on puddles
and tapped my fingers on the cupboards
drumming up a familiar beat

i ate cornflakes on my ice cream
{and added brown sugar
to make it sweet}...

on my father's birthday
i did all the things
he taught me to do
{do do de do do
do do}

my dad is visiting las vegas right now...

one day while i was work
taking payments and listening to sad stories,
these words kept bubbling up...
so i kept a pad beside me
and jotted them down
in between customers...
and this was the result...

and the last line is something he says
all the time...
it is a frequent joke in our house...

tuesday.



today when i got home
the sun had not yet gone down,
there was still light, there was still day left...
just a smidgen but enough to make me long for
summer...
for the scent of barbeques
and to see the kids playing in the street...
for barefeet
and less layers....
strawberries and sunflowers...
fresh cut grass...
buzzing bees.

yeah.
summer sounds good right now.

borrowing....

if you knew me well, you would know...

~that i clap my hands often and randomly with no apparent reasoning

~that i name things i love fred...goldfish, purple spotted dinosaurs, soup cans...
that kinda thing.

~i am a recovered pepsi addict.

~i am now a strong diet coke addict instead...in the can...always in a can.

~i hate the word moist. it makes me cringe.

~i love the smell of lilacs and i love the smell of vanilla.

~when i was a kid, i wanted to be a taxi driver.

~i am fascinated by heavy machinery. the lines, the colors, the size,
the textures...i can sometimes feel like it takes my breath away.

i borrowed this idea here...and it was a lot of fun...play along!

i always say that i am very positive about myself and my capabilities...
i believe in myself
i say yes
i try things
i put myself out there.
i think i am sure of myself and that i have a good sense of self.

so it surprised me yesterday
when i found myself
doubting my ability to take photos anymore.
feeling anxious and
not good enough.

i know what it was triggered by
i just don't know why i reacted so strongly.

i usually am pretty good at just shrugging
things off but this bothered me for most of the day.
it may just be that the euphoric high of doing something
new and receiving feedback and interest has altered
and that i need to adjust my own feelings...
i need to get back to doing it because i love it...
or not doing it.

and i can't imagine not doing it.

but maybe this is a natural progression,
maybe this is where i weed out the parts
i don't like, the sessions that don't excite me
and concentrate mainly on the ones that do.

or maybe.
this is also where i go back to the roots for me
regarding photography...the art side of it...
the ideas i originally had but did not act on
because i got suddenly so wrapped up in the
"business side" of it...

something to think about at 6:30 am.

6:03 am


it's early morning and i am only partially awake
typing with sleep in my eyes...
it seems to be the only way i can get here today...
or this week...
time feels soft and liquid like
literally slipping through my fingers
though i'm trying to grip it tight...
but maybe thats the problem...

maybe i need to let go a little
and just let things happen.

LOVING::
waffle cones and toffee twist almond ice cream
the new book i just started
chocolate chip teddy grahams
that S. surprised me with pretty flowers at work Friday
14 asking me to watch a movie with her
spending all day saturday driving with the camera beside
me and no set of plans...just driving...
my dad fixing my car after i put it in the ditch...