revelation

a couple of weeks ago
i went through a thing.
i felt lost
and unlikeable
by everyone except my family...
misunderstood
fake
not being the real me
and yet still not fitting in...

a lot of this stemmed from
an uncomfortable feeling at my son's school,
a feeling of never being able to fit into the
"clique"
no matter how hard i volunteer.

but that was last week.

this week, i don't seem to care so much.
not at all really.

right now,
today,
i am liking who i am.

i like that my hair reminds me
of awesome eighties hair,
(things like heathers, winona ryder and bobs come to mind)
and i have been styling it like so...
the more uneven and choppy looking it is,
the more i like it.
and random bobby pins...
i like that, too.

i bought clothes yesterday that i would have bought
before
but not lately because i have been
trying to dress more
business casual...
more conservative...
well.
whatever.

i don't know why i thought something would change
and make me fit into this town...
i have never fit into this town.
it is almost like my adult self is giving it another shot...
i didn't fit in as an adolescent,
so lets try as an adult
and see what happens.

well.
the hell with it.

i will wear what i want to wear.
like what i want to like.
knit, paint, draw, write,
stand in the middle of my conservative street
and take pictures of the sunrise
if i damn well feel like it.

and i will encourage my kids to
get up with me
and grab
their imaginations.

waterworks

we spent a day driving
and found a cute little town
with cottages and
fishing shantys
and
a wharf
with huge rocks to climb
and the spray of water to play in...

i married the karate kid....

twelve setting the shot

and taking it

heehee...

this was the kid's favorite part of the day...

it's friday...

i should be all about friday love
and linkage
and pictures and happy posting
but i'm cranky
and i didn't get enough sleep last night
and i'm stressed about jobs and money and
change and transition and decision
and i feel like i sent the kids off to school
with my negative voice in their ear
cranky that seven drew on himself
in bed last night
with what appeared to be
a crayola marker on the outside
but on the inside
must have been the mother of all
permanency because i spent
half an hour
trying to scrub the skulls
off the palms of his hands...
and complaining about twelve's hair
thinking after
how nice that was of me
to send her off to junior high
thinking that her hair looks unkempt and messy
...
bet that's good for a pre-teen's self esteem.

what is wrong with me today.
why do i feel so close to snapping,
like i am barely balancing
on that edge
between
normalcy
and
lunacy...

like i can barely contain myself...

maybe i will be back with some friday love.
maybe not.

where we were.

this is where
we were over the weekend...

twelve wearing make up and dressed up
as her alter ego
for the movie
she was making on the computer

seven-very-soon-to-be-eight
waiting for me to take
my place
next to him on the couch again
and watch foster's home for imaginary friends with him

while i knitted.

the day after my birthday...

as part of my birthday present
we packed the kids up the next day
and went driving
looking for places to use my new camera.

we found dirt roads and lost wooden bridges,
barns ready to retire and purple trucks
parked in a field.

i adored this day.

the kids were reluctant at first,
especially twelve...
but she took her hand-me-down camera
and in the end, they both had a lot of fun
and said
we should do this more often.

i agree.