friday i'm in love...

A rainy, wet friday
but I’m ok with that.
I cleaned the house this morning
and now I am in fresh pjs
and a hair mask
and monster slippers
eating cinnamon hearts
and listening to
mumford and sons
while puttering around
at the little blue desk.

I know it’s immature
but I am avoiding the news…
I am scared that my brain
won’t know the difference
between the responsibility of
being informed
and the inability to
claw my way out of the
rabbit hole
a person can easily fall into.

I don’t know what to believe…
I don’t know what is true
and what is blatant speculation
and distraction and lie.
I don’t know enough about anything
to feel informed
and what is informed anyway
if what you are being told is
a slant, an agenda, a motive…

I am tired.

So instead, I put the phone out of my reach
and I watch the chickadees outside my window,
I crunch cinnamon hearts between my teeth.
I listen to songwriters and poets and
the pug snoring on the couch.
I stand on the deck
and feel the misty rain on my face
and I breathe deep.

This.
This is where I am today.

FRIDAY I’M IN LOVE:

💜I absolutely positively fell in love with this house and property and this guy’s mindset.

💜I am hungry for music lately….like literally starving for it. Here is what is on repeat: this one, obsessed with this one, oh….and this one! and thisssssss!

💜I adore the colors in this kitchen…and the whole house really.

💜 cinnamon hearts

saturday sorta sad thoughts...

Today is my dad’s birthday.
He would have been 80 today.

Every time there is a milestone,
I go into it thinking I’m ok, it’s ok,
everything is ok…
and then it surprisingly
tackles me and takes me down for the count.

I feel like maybe
there is a lesson to be learned
in this.
That maybe I shouldn’t be trying to
fight it
and just lean into those moments
and let them happen…
cause
the truth is
they are gonna happen anyway,
whether I say it’s ok or not.

Once again,
this was not what I came here to write.
But this is what came out of the
keyboard…

I was going to write about
how I bit my tongue so hard
it bled for a long time
and I have had to (painfully)
take tylenol in order to
deal with how much it hurt.

But now you know both.
:)

I partly wonder if I subconsciously
bit my tongue that hard
to distract myself from the
pain in my heart.

tuesday truths...

i haven’t done one of these
in a while.

i was going to come here
to say
i’m tired of winter,
of frozen pipes
and shoveling the driveway,
of layers of clothes
and how it doesn’t matter
how careful i am,
i always end up with
snow in my boots.

but the truth also is
that i am starting to see
the light at the end of the
snow filled tunnel…
the days are getting longer,
second by gradual second
and i am grateful
for every extra moment of light.

the sun sets tonight
on the blue-white snow,
my driveway is kind of shoveled,
my heat is on, the house is warm.
i have chicken fricot for supper
and gumdrops for dessert.
i think about how lucky i really am,
how quickly things can change
and suddenly i am grateful
for the shoveling and
for the snow in my boots.
i’m alive.
i’m healthy. i’m happy.
and i’m safe and loved.
that is enough.

(though….i’m still ready for spring….)

whatcha readin'? {goal 45 - books 1-3}

I went through a bit of a
reading slump
in January…
well….let’s be honest…
I went through a bit of a
life slump
in January in some ways.

Winter can do that to a person.

3 books complete in January…
one was an audio book:

1. When the Body Says No - Gabor Mate
   ♥♥♥
   To be honest, this was not really what I thought
   it was going to be…or maybe
   what I wanted it to be.
   I wanted reassurance that yes, stress can cause these things
   but if you do these things, you can avoid the diseases
   that stress may cause….
   but instead the book caused me stress
   because they seemed to indicate that
   you could have had stresses outside of your control
   AS A CHILD
   THAT YOU MAY NOT EVEN BE AWARE OF
   that may have already
   started you down the path to disease.
   How is that fair or reasonable??? Sigh.

2. Fitter, Calmer, Stronger - Ellie Goulding
   ♥♥♥ - audiobook
   This was ok…nothing really revolutionary.
   Apparently she is a famous musician
   but….I didn’t know that when I picked the book. 🤷‍♀️

   (oh wait…she did this song! I didn’t know that.)

3. Holiday Romance - Catherine Walsh
   ♥♥♥♥
   I liked this more than I had expected to.
   A fun rom-com kinda lighthearted book.

NEXT UP: Outlive (Peter Attia); I Let You Go (Clare MacIntosh) and The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue (VE Schwab) (and maybe even more if my reading slump is really over!! :)

turning the corner....

I feel like I am starting to
turn the corner
of that which is known
in my head
"as still frigging winter".

Second by second,
minute by minute,
the days get longer…
the light lingers
and my energy increases.

I have been pushing myself
to keep showing up…
to get outside for walks
and don’t pay attention to the wind chill,
to take photos,
to draw little characters
and call it a project.
To knit and doodle,
to nap when I need to,
to spend lots of time
reading in the swing.

Some things that I have been trying
that I like to think are helping but
it’s still pretty early:

I got a little pop up tent sauna
and I have been loving it.

Started using a light lamp in the mornings
and also got this cute little
rainbow pomodoro timer
and I know it’s all a trick of my brain
or rather maybe
I am tricking my brain
(shhhh…don’t tell)…
BUT I HAVE BEEN SO PRODUCTIVE.

so I’ll take it…
whatever the reason,
(his heart or his shoes)
heh. sorry, my brain is glitchy
and throws out random
grinch lines.

I hope you are warm and cozy,
happy and full.
Here’s a random photo of Timmy…
just because he is so damn adorable.